NFL 2015 Week 15 Picks: Playoff Tiebreaker Edition

Well, last week was my best of the season: 13-3. Better late than never I guess.

 

This week’s picks:

 

Tampa Bay 24, St. Louis 14 – Not sure how Jeff Fisher keeps his job every year. Maybe when the Rams move back to Los Angeles they’ll lock him in a closet in St. Louis.

 

N.Y. Jets 28, Dallas 7 – Jets eliminated from contention from AFC East when Miami lost Monday night, because somehow that clinched that the Patriots will finish the season with a better “strength of victory” than the Jets, which is like the fifth playoff tiebreaker. That’s the sort of thing that would only happen to the Jets.  

 

Kansas City 20, Baltimore 10 – Can’t imagine the Chiefs would run the table after starting 1-5. But, they are playing the Ravens this week.

 

Houston 17, Indianapolis 10 – Battle of backup quarterbacks, for the AFC South lead, in a division where 6-6 is good enough for first place. This game deserves to be banished to Thursday Night.

 

Atlanta 41, Jacksonville 14 – Ladies and gentlemen, your AFC South champion Jacksonville Jaguars!

 

Minnesota 40, Chicago 14 – Just when you thought the Bears were about to sneak into the playoff conversation, reality struck.

 

New England 24, Tennessee 7 – The Patriots could field an Injured Reserve squad that’d beat the Titans.

 

N.Y. Giants 27, Carolina 13 – I’m giving the Panthers one more chance to not go undefeated.

 

Buffalo 24, Washington 17 – I mean at some point somebody has to create some separation in the NFC East, whether it’s by winning or losing.

 

Green Bay 38, Oakland 7 – I’m betting the Raiders can’t beat playoff teams in consecutive weeks.

 

Seattle 31, Cleveland 13 – In last week’s win, Johnny Manziel started talking smack to 49ers after a play in which he was sacked in the end zone for a safety was nullified by a San Francisco penalty. You know you’re having a bad season when that’s the best opportunity for you to talk smack.

 

Pittsburgh 35, Denver 24 – In this matchup, I prefer to say that I’m rooting against the Broncos.

 

San Diego 12, Miami 9 – At this rate the Dolphins may cinch that the Jets lose the strength-of-victory tiebreaker against everyone.

 

Cincinnati 20, San Francisco 13 – Seems a little weird that the Super Bowl is in San Francisco in a year when the 49ers (five Super Bowl championships) are so awful.

 

Arizona 20, Philadelphia 17 – Third time in the last six week Arizona is on Sunday Night Football. NBC stands for Nothing But Cardinals.

 

New Orleans 42, Detroit 7 – I still can’t believe the Lions lost that Green Bay game.

 

LAST WEEK: 13-3

 

2015 TO DATE: 123-85

 

2014 AFTER WEEK 14: 139-69

NFL 2015 Week 14 Predictions: Pooch/Onside Kick Thingie Edition

My season in a nutshell: For the Redskins-Cowboys game Monday night I wrote “Redskins playing a meaningful game with playoff implications against a weak opponent. So they’ll probably lose.” So of course I pick the Redskins to win anyway. And of course they fulfill my prediction.

 

This week’s picks:

 

Arizona 41, Minnesota 17 – No idea who that team was that got throttled last Sunday by the Seahawks, who got beat a couple weeks back by Arizona. Good thing NFL games aren’t decided by rock-paper-scissors.

 

Seattle 31, Baltimore 24 – This was originally scheduled as this week’s Sunday night game, but because of the Ravens’ horrible season NBC dropped it and flexed in Patriots-Texans. Just one more reason for John Harbaugh to complain about the Patriots.

 

Carolina 30, Atlanta 20 – Gave up on the Falcons after they lost last week; thought the Panthers’ last chance to lose was vs. Saints last week and Carolina barely escaped. So of course Atlanta will win.

 

Chicago 24, Washington 16 – At this rate, the NFC East will be won by a team with a 5-10-1 record.

 

Pittsburgh 42, Cincinnati 21 – A Steelers win helps out the Patriots. Fuck my life.

 

Cleveland 13, San Francisco 10 – It’s about that time when Johnny Manziel shows “flashes of potential” before personally imploding again.

 

Jacksonville 44, Indianapolis 17 – At this rate, the AFC South will be won by a team with a 6-9-1 record.

 

Kansas City 31, San Diego 0 – If this is the Chargers’ farewell season in San Diego, they’re going out in style.

 

N.Y. Jets 35, Tennessee 10 – THEN: Jets file tampering charges against Patriots for “tampering” with Darrelle Revis, who actually signed with Jets. NOW: Jets file tampering charges against Titans for plagiarizing the Jets’ early 1960s team nickname.

 

Buffalo 10, Philadelphia 7 – Prediction only good if Rex Ryan elects not to pooch kick.

 

St. Louis 37, Detroit 16 – Detroit Lions defense: the all-time recipient of the YOU HAD ONE JOB meme.

 

New Orleans 14, Tampa Bay 7 – I feel like I deserve credit for picking the Saints to beat Carolina last week since the game went down to the wire. Dammit, Saints defense, YOU HAD ONE JOB.

 

Denver 26, Oakland 13 – A Raiders win helps out the Patriots. Fuck my life.

 

Green Bay 37, Dallas 27 – On the bright side for the Cowboys, since Tony Romo won’t be playing they don’t have to worry about getting screwed on controversial catch/non-catch calls by the refs.

 

New England 42, Houston 14 – This game seems like a matchup nightmare for the Patriots. But somehow Belichick excels at the type of game where you’re like, “How can they possibly win.”

 

N.Y. Giants 23, Miami 13 – New course offering at the University of Phoenix: Fourth-Quarter Offensive Play-Calling 101, with Professor Tom Coughlin. Offered pass/fail.

 

 

LAST WEEK: 9-7

 

2015 TO DATE: 110-82

 

2014 AFTER WEEK 12: 126-66

 

NFL 2015 Week 13 Predictions -- Bad Officiating Edition

I got so wound up with Thanksgiving that I forgot to see how I did last week. The answer: 9-7. Would’ve been a much-better-sounding 10-6 if the Browns hadn’t imploded at the end of Monday night. Oh well.

 

This week’s picks:

 

Green Bay 40, Detroit 10 – Lions can’t really sweep the Packers, can they?

 

Houston 24, Buffalo 21 – JJ Watt has more sacks than the Buffalo front seven combined. Yeah, but Rex Ryan has a bigger mouth than the entire population of Houston combined.

 

Chicago 13, San Francisco 3 – Bears sneaking into the playoff picture. And I didn’t burst out laughing when I typed that.

 

Cincinnati 24, Cleveland 6 – LAST WEEK: Browns attempt field goal on the last play of a tie game. RESULT: Field goal attempt blocked by Ravens and run back for game-winning touchdown. THIS WEEK: Browns coach Mike Pettine attempts to light Christmas tree at team headquarters, sets Browns’ facility on fire.

 

Miami 28, Baltimore 13 – Remember six weeks ago when everybody was like, “Wow, Dan Campbell really turned this Dolphins team around?”

 

Seattle 41, Minnesota 20 – There’s always one game every week where I’m like, “Why am I picking this team to win?” This week, this is the game.

 

N.Y. Giants 41, N.Y. Jets 28 – Giants and Jets playing just the way I like them to play: with both teams in danger of fading from playoff contention.

 

Arizona 19, St. Louis 6 – Bruce Arians on the Rams: “I’ll have dinner with ‘em, but I ain’t liking ‘em.” Wait….what?

 

Atlanta 28, Tampa Bay 24 – I’m giving the Falcons one last chance before I give up on them for the season.

 

Tennessee 17, Jacksonville 6 – I’m giving the Titans one last chance to play like an NFL team before I give up on them for the season.

 

Kansas City 20, Oakland 13 – I feel like Chiefs are due for a letdown. If I hadn’t already picked the Seahawks to beat the Vikings, this would be “that game.”

 

Denver 20, San Diego 17 – I mean, any quarterback would look like Peyton Manning if they get every holding call, even the ones that don’t exist.

 

New England 31, Philadelphia 28 – Referee Pete Morelli and his crew was demoted after a poor performance last week, and reassigned from the Sunday night Indianapolis-Pittsburgh game to this one. That’s like impeaching Richard Nixon and reassigning him to governor of Massachusetts.

 

New Orleans 32, Carolina 21 – Saints suck, but for some reason I feel like they have the best chance to knock Carolina from the ranks of the undefeated.

 

Pittsburgh 26, Indianapolis 7 – I mean, Matt Hasselbeck has to lose a game sometime, right?

 

Washington 27, Dallas 20 – Redskins playing a meaningful game with playoff implications against a weak opponent. So they’ll probably lose.

 

 

 

 

LAST WEEK: 9-7

 

2015 TO DATE: 101-75

 

2014 AFTER WEEK 12: 118-58

2015 NFL Week 12 Predictions -- Thanksgiving Edition

Much better week last week -- 9-5. I was 3-5 in the 1pm Sunday games and undefeated at all other times.


Happy Thanksgiving! This week's picks:


Philadelphia 13, Detroit 11 -- This game should be more comical than the Snoopy-lawnchair brawl.


Carolina 24, Dallas 20 -- THIS WEEK: 10-0 Carolina was a betting underdog against 3-7 Dallas. NEXT WEEK: Panthers will be underdogs against Charlie Brown's baseball team.


Green Bay 17, Chicago 3 -- Can't wait for Brett Favre to announce he's coming out of retirement.


Atlanta 24, Minnesota 14 -- I'm giving the Falcons one last chance to pull their heads out of their asses before I give up on them completely.


Cincinnati 24, St. Louis 10 -- First meeting between these two teams since Harvey Dahl became a YouTube legend. (NSFW)


Houston 23, New Orleans 10 -- Probably will regret this pick, because I feel like the winner if the AFC South is destined to have a losing record this year.


Indianapolis 31, Tampa Bay 28 -- Colts file a complaint with the NFL, claiming that Buccaneers arrived at the game with undercooked turkeys.


Jacksonville 24, San Diego 17 -- Jaguars are legitimately in the mix for the AFC South title. That can't possibly last, can it?


Kansas City 54, Buffalo 31 -- Chiefs are legitimately in the mix for an AFC wild-card berth. That can't possibly last, can it?


N.Y. Jets 20, Miami 3 -- DOLPHINS, LAST WEEK'S GOAL: End a streak of three consecutive games with a Ryan Tannehill-involved safety. RESULT: No safeties, but Tannehill threw an interception that was returned for a touchdown. THIS WEEK'S GOAL: Get Dolphins' Thanksgiving dinner ready early so there's no waiting. RESULT: Dinner ready on time, but the lawnchair from A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving shows up to kick the crap out of the Dolphins.


Oakland 23, Tennessee 19 -- Just think, a couple of weeks ago people were using the words "Raiders" and "playoffs" in the same sentence.


N.Y. Giants 23, Washington 19 -- For the rest of the season, Tom Coughlin vows to employ clock management in the game's final two minutes without his head up his ass.


Arizona 27, San Francisco 6 -- NFL unveils the new Colin Kaepernick Injured Reserve List: after you get hurt, you're allowed to play for six more weeks.


Seattle 13, Pittsburgh 9 -- Seahawks haven't scored a point against the Steelers since the third quarter of Super Bowl XL (10 years, two full games + one quarter).


New England 34, Denver 31 -- If the Patriots suffer any more wide receiver injuries they may have to re-sign Deion Branch.


Cleveland 33, Baltimore 30 -- The only thing worse than watching this game: watching this game while listening to Jon Gruden.


LAST WEEK: 9-5


2015 TO DATE: 92-68


2014 AFTER WEEK 11: 106-55

2015 NFL Week 11 Predictions

Well, I had a horrible week -- 5-9. I'm sure everyone did though. I mean, who would expect this horrible Lions team to be the first to win a game in Green Bay since the Revolutionary War? Or a Texans team that finished the game with a backup QB who wasn't even on the team a couple of weeks ago would beat the previously undefeated Bengals? Or that Peyton Manning would be benched for the first time in his career?


Oh well. This week's picks:


Jacksonville 24, Tennessee 14 -- Titans vs. Jaguars: the most compelling argument yet against Thursday Night Football.


Atlanta 17, Indianapolis 7 -- Hillary Clinton gave a speech sponsored by the law firm that worked on the Deflategate investigation. I didn't realize she hated the Patriots so much.


St. Louis 33, Baltimore 22 -- Because of a depleted offensive line, Patriots have used TE Michael Williams in spot duty on the offensive line the past couple of weeks. John Harbaugh is having a hissy-fit over this.


Carolina 20, Washington 17 -- In 11 all-time meetings, the final score between these two teams has been 20-17 four times. What the hell, why not one more?


Denver 17, Chicago 12 -- First game for Bears coach John Fox and QB Jay Cutler against their former team -- that is, unless Cutler gets hurt during pre-game warm-ups.


Oakland 28, Detroit 14 -- At least or one week, Matthew Stafford wasn't the worst QB in the NFC North.


N.Y. Jets 30, Houston 27 -- An injured Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. a guy who wasn't with the Texans three weeks ago. This is not exactly Brady vs. Manning.


Dallas 20, Miami 14 -- DAN CAMPBELL'S GOAL LAST WEEK: Get Dolphins to make it through the entire game without Ryan Tannehill giving up a safety. RESULT: Tannehill sacked in the end zone for a safety 5 minutes into the game. DAN CAMPBELL'S GOAL THIS WEEK: Try out a new macaroni-and-cheese recipe. RESULT: Dolphins team headquarters burns to the ground.


Philadelphia 20, Tampa Bay 10 -- If Mark Sanche starts for Eagles, all bets are off.


Kansas City 22, San Diego 7 -- Philip Rivers is no Brock Osweiler.


Green Bay 31, Minnesota 3 -- First place is on the line in the NFC North. Hard to believe Minnesota got bundled on Opening Night by the 49ers.


Seattle 20, San Francisco 14 -- Seattle's seqeuence of wins and losses: Loss, Loss, Win, Win, Loss, Loss, Win, Win, Loss. Based on that pattern I'd say they're destined to lose again, except that they're playing the 49ers.


Arizona 35, Cincinnati 27 -- After beating the Bengals, JJ Watt called Andy "Red Rifle" Dalton the "Red Ryder BB Gun." It gets even more awkward Sunday night when Dalton accidentally shoots his eye out.


New England 27, Buffalo 24 -- Rex Ryan must have a stiffy the size of Rhode Island by now.




LAST WEEK: 5-9


2015: 83-63


2014 AFTER WEEK 10: 97-50

2015 Week 10 NFL Predictions: Super Bowl Rematch Edition

Finished a mediocre 7-6 last week, no thanks to the Chargers, who are quietly having an awful year. I hate the Chargers though so I’m not complaining.



This week's picks:



N.Y. Jets 34, Buffalo 12 – Rex Ryan rolls himself out as game captain for the pre-game coin toss.



Baltimore 30, Jacksonville 3 – Both teams suck. That is all.

 

Green Bay 40, Detroit 14 – Lions haven’t beaten Green Bay in Lambeau since like 1814, and that probably won’t change when you hire a new offensive coordinator named Jim Bob Cooter.



Philadelphia 17, Miami 7 – Rebuilding a team takes small steps. Dolphins goal this week: go through the entire game without a shotgun snap going over Ryan Tannehill’s head for a safety.



Pittsburgh 34, Cleveland 21 – At this rate, Ben Roethlisberger should take the rest of the year off.

 

St. Louis 20, Chicago 12 – Jay Cutler is now the Bears’ all-time leader in touchdown passes. That’s like Rob Schneider being the all-time leader in Academy Awards for Best Actor.



Dallas 13, Tampa Bay 9 – Maybe Greg Hardy shouldn’t be on Twitter.



Carolina 30, Tennessee 3 – Wait…why does Carolina get two bye weeks?



New Orleans 27, Washington 24 – After Washington receivers dropped about 200 passes vs. Patriots last week, Jay Gruden moved them all to defensive back for the rest of the season.



Minnesota 31, Oakland 20 – Raiders linebacker Ray-Ray Armstrong could face felony charges after taunting a Pittsburgh Police Department K-9 before Sunday’s Steelers game. I don’t see any need to add further pressure to overcrowded prisons – playing for the Raiders is punishment enough.



Denver 49, Kansas City 29 – After receiving a one-game suspension for poking the eye of Colts’ TE Dwayne Allen, Aqib Talib will spend this game poking everyone on Facebook.

 

New England 24, N.Y. Giants 20 – The concept of Patriots playing the Giants while undefeated makes me nauseous.



Arizona 36, Seattle 18 – Seahawks’ sequence of wins and losses in 2015: Loss, Loss, Win, Win, Loss, Loss, Win, Win. Well I guess we know how this game will end.



Cincinnati 34, Houston 27 – Texans’ defense might have better results if they didn’t send JJ Watt into that forest to chop wood.



LAST WEEK: 7-6

2015: 78-54



2014 THROUGH WEEK 9: 86-48

 

 

NFL Week 9 Predictions: Bugged Locker Room Edition

Getting back into the swing of things – since Week 2 I’m now 58-29 (.667) in my picks. And I don’t even have the help of the Patriots’ secret listening devices.



This week's picks:



Cincinnati 29, Cleveland 26 – That Browns fan judge from those NFL Network commercials should have all her rulings overturned on appeal.



Buffalo 30, Miami 24 – Rex Ryan has a habit of trolling the other team in naming his pre-game captains. He should troll the Dolphins by naming as captain the early-season Bills team that was actually kinda good.



Green Bay 38, Carolina 17 – Are we sure that was Aaron Rodgers last Sunday night vs. Denver and not a 157-year-old Brett Favre sneaking out of retirement?

 

St. Louis 23, Minnesota 21 – The Vikings are now one game behind Green Bay for first place in the NFC North. Imagine if they hadn’t laid an egg on Opening Night vs. San Francisco?

 

New England 52, Washington 7 – Overheard in the Redskins locker room, courtesy of Patriots’ listening devices: “Can you believe we’re still in the thick of things in the NFC East? What a joke this division is!”

 

New Orleans 23, Tennessee 10 – Dolphins: fire head coach, beat the crap out of Tennessee the following week. Titans: fire head coach, still suck the following week.

 

N.Y. Jets 24, Jacksonville 22 – NFL Network show host: “Can Blake Bortles do to the Jets what Derek Carr did to them last week?” Commentator: “Probably not.” Well, then….

 

Pittsburgh, 20, Oakland 13 – Steelers: 2-2 with Ben Roethlisberger, 2-2 without. Hmmm….

 

Atlanta 20, San Francisco 16 – Atlanta: 6-2, would be 3-5 if their schedule wasn’t loaded up with Division II football teams.



N.Y. Giants 22, Tampa Bay 20 – I rarely agree with Roger Goodell, but I think his decision to reject the Buccaneers’ petition to realign to the NFC East was sound.



Denver 55, Indianapolis 23 – This game could determine whether Chuck Pagano stays on as head coach. You know what that means….more fake punts!

 

Philadelphia 20, Dallas 16 – After Tony Romo went down, I feel like Cowboys would’ve been better served if they had gone with Artsy Craftsy Tony Romo at QB.

 

San Diego 20, Chicago 7 – Can they start flexing Monday night games too?

 



LAST WEEK: 9-5

2015: 71-48



2014 THROUGH WEEK 8: 77-44