Thursday, September 25, 2014

NFL Week 4 Predictions

Wow. I was a shocking 11-5 last week. It's almost like I tried.

Anyway, the best part about Week 4 is that the bye weeks start, so I have fewer games to pick.

Here goes:

N.Y. Giants 23, Washington 9 -- The Giants are the type of team that, whatever you pick them to do, they'll do the opposite. I hate the Giants, so I'll pick them to win and hopefully that'll jinx them.

Baltimore 23, Carolina 21 -- Steve Smith promised "blood and guts everywhere" if the Ravens WR gets matched up against his former team, so expect him to begin serving a six-game suspension next week.

Packers 38, Bears 23 -- Week 2: Packers rally to beat Geno Smith and the Jets. Week 3: Bears hold off a late rally to beat Geno Smith and the Jets. The bad news for both teams: neither is playing Geno Smith this week.

Bills 31, Texans 24 -- Giants beat Texans last week and afterwards accused J.J. Watt and Houston defensive line of "tapping out" late in the game. Are the Giants on crack? Did they watch Matt Schaub play for the Texans last year? Now that's tapping out.

Colts 31, Titans 10 -- Be afraid, Tennessee: last week I picked Atlanta to beat Tampa Bay by this same score. A few hours later, the Falcons were up 56-0.

Lions 17, Jets 10 --  Antonio Allen's goal: hold Megatron without a catch on Sunday. Antonio Allen's other goal: hold Kanye West without a meltdown on Sunday.

Dolphins 35, Raiders 17 -- The London series continues, which brings up the question: who will score more points per game in 2014-15 season: Oakland Raiders or Manchester United?

Steelers 17, Buccaneers 12 -- Tampa Bay offense performs much better after Lovie Smith inserts a new starting QB: Bucs' mascot Captain Fear.

Chargers 34, Jaguars 21 -- Someday, both these teams will move to Los Angeles and this will be a more interesting -- if just as apathetic -- matchup.

Falcons 30, Vikings 10 -- A silver lining after a rough couple of weeks for Minnesota: Vikings players lead the league in successful completion of the Cinnamon Challenge.

49ers 24, Eagles 23 -- San Francisco: 0 points in the 4th quarter this season. If Jim Harbaugh is such a great coach, maybe he should explain to the team that the games don't end after 45 minutes.

Saints 21, Cowboys 20 -- Tony Romo has thrown at least one TD pass in 31 consecutive games, and at least one interception in 2,463 consecutive games.

Patriots 17, Chiefs 16 --  Belichick's done it again. Patriots unleash their new deep threat WR: Vince Wilfork.



Wednesday, September 17, 2014

NFL Week 3 Predictions

I did slightly better last week -- 7-9. I'm 13-19 overall after two weeks. Hey, it's better than the Oakland Raiders' record over the past two years.

Here are my picks for Week 3:

Atlanta 31, Tampa Bay 10 -- The NFC South is shaping up to be a bad division. In fact, it's only three weeks into the season but if the Buccanneers win Thursday, I'm pretty sure Carolina clinches the division title.

Buffalo 27, San Diego 19 -- I have a tough time envisioning the Bills at 3-0. However, getting that huge win over the Super Bowl Champion Seahawks last week virtually assures that the schizophrenic Chargers will lose this game.  

Cincinnati 20, Tennessee 13 -- I've received complaints that I'm too tough on Andy Dalton, so I'll take a week off from piling on to, Jake Locker is one mediocre quarterback.

Cleveland 24, Baltimore 17 -- One of two scenarios is true: either the Browns are not as bad as usual, or the New Orleans Saints are among the most overrated teams in NFL history.

Green Bay 37, Detroit 31 -- Winner of the Most Likely To Resemble a Street Football Game award.

Indianapolis 21, Jacksonville 14 -- The Colts can't start 0-3, right?

New England 38, Oakland 23 -- Belichick's done it again. He convinced a grand jury to indict Adrian Peterson two days before the Pats-Vikings game. This week he's managed to get Maurice Jones-Drew thrown in the slammer for jaywalking.

New Orleans 33, Minnesota 16 -- BREAKING NEWS: Vikings, "after giving the situation additional thought," also deactivate Matt Cassel.

N.Y Giants 34, Houston 10 -- NFL warns Giants that if they don't start playing better, league will reschedule all their home games from 1pm to 1am.

Philadelphia 34, Washington 31 -- It's only a matter of time before it gets real ugly in Congress, when Democrats and Republicans start choosing sides in the RG III-Kirk Cousins quarterback controversy.

Dallas 31, St. Louis 7 -- These same two teams were also matched up in last year's Week 3 (won by Dallas by the aforementioned score), so instead of playing they're going to have a slumber party and watch the film of last year's game.

San Francisco 24, Arizona 10 -- Someday, the 49ers will lose a game and Jim Harbaugh's head will explode. Unfortunately, today won't be that day.

Miami 31, Kansas City 0 -- This bears watching as the season progresses: right now I'm on pace to pick the Chiefs to lose every game in 2014.

Seattle 24, Denver 13 -- You know it was a bad Super Bowl when there's a rematch the following season and the NFL schedules it for 1pm local time.

Pittsburgh 30, Carolina 14 -- This week's Useless Piece of Trivia: all five previous meetings between these two teams occurred Dec. 15 or later. Obviously, somebody complained.

Chicago 19, N.Y Jets 13 -- 2013's Hot Defensive Trend: a big, physical secondary like Seattle's to neutralize opposing receivers. 2014's Hot Defensive Trend: sit back and wait for Marty Mornhinweg to call a timeout.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

NFL Week 2 Predictions

OK so I went 6-10 in my picks the first week. That's OK. The picks are for entertainment purposes only. Always read the prospectus before investing.

Here are my picks for Week 2:

Pittsburgh 30, Baltimore 13 -- Just in time for the season to start, Gatorade rolled out some NFL special edition 32oz. bottles featuring cartoonized versions of the Manning brothers, JJ Watt, RG III and Cam Newton. Thankfully it was only those five. Right about now it'd be really awkward to see a cartoonized Ray Rice on a bottle of Fierce Strawberry Gatorade.

Miami 9, Buffalo 6 -- Good matchup. It's Week 2, pretty late in the season for both these teams to be undefeated.

Detroit 31, Carolina 7 -- Once again NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell comes under fire: in a prepared statement, Goodell claims he wasn't aware of the Lions' high-powered offense until it was publicly released this past Monday.
Cincinnati 29, Atlanta 27 -- Just imagine how good A.J. Green would be if he had a better quarterback throwing to him.

New Orleans 28, Cleveland 21 -- If Johnny Manziel doesn't get on the field soon he's going to give the Cleveland coaching staff the finger.

Minnesota 36, New England 6 -- Why the hell not? Start the Jimmy Garoppolo talk three years earlier than expected. (Also, I picked the Pats to win last week and they gagged in the second half, so I'm playing the reverse psychology game here.)

Arizona 20, N.Y. Giants 17 -- This is why I go 6-10 every week. Arizona is one of those teams that, just when you think they're on a roll they stumble against a team they should handle. The Giants are the kind of team that just when you think they're done they turn it around. So, of course I pick Arizona to win.

Dallas 21, Tennessee 13 -- Great. Now Jerry Jones is accused of assaulting an exotic dancer, forcing the NFL to refocus its "point of emphasis on illegal contact."

Jacksonville 24, Washington 12 -- Embarrassing moment occurs when referees inform Washington that it can't stop the Jaguars defense with a filibuster.

Seattle 49, San Diego 35 -- The Chargers are the type of schizophrenic team that would run up and down the field against a great defense like Seattle's, and yet blow the game by making Russell Wilson look like Joe Montana.

Tampa Bay 10, St. Louis 9 -- If it were possible for teams to finish a game with negative points, these would be the two teams that could accomplish it.

Denver 26, Kansas City 10 -- That career season Alex Smith had last year? Derek Anderson once had a season like that with Cleveland, too. Just sayin'.

Green Bay 24, N.Y Jets 3 -- Remember the good ol' days, when the NFL's biggest off-the-field issue was Rex Ryan's foot fetish?

Houston 31, Oakland 24 -- Google says GMail "wasn't hacked." Google also says Raiders offense in Week 1 "wasn't hacked."

San Francisco 32, Chicago 20 -- 49ers won't get the kind of help they got last week from Tony "The Human Interception" Romo. San Francisco will, however, be matched up against the Chicago defense, which is like playing offense against a beached whale.

Indianapolis 38, Philadelphia 6 -- Here's the problem for the Eagles: unlike Jacksonville, which went up last week 17-0 in Philly and then mysteriously flew home at halftime, this is a home game for Indianapolis.


Friday, September 5, 2014


One of the pitfalls of living on a busy street is, sometimes I have to wait for oncoming traffic to subside before I pull into my driveway. Occasionally, even at night.

This was the situation not long ago as I'm coming home for the evening. And as I'm stopped, patiently waiting in the road, I see headlights in my rear-view mirror. A car is approaching behind me.



And suddenly I realize, this car's not slowing down. It's going to slam into me from behind.

And I still can't pull into the driveway because I'll get hit by an oncoming car.

So I hit the gas and gun it as fast as I can. The car behind me barely misses rear-ending me, finally swerving at the last minute about 50 yards up the road from where I was initially stopped, nearly ending up in a ditch along the side of the road.

I don't normally spend that much time looking in my rear-view mirror. I'm glad I did tonight.


Thursday, September 4, 2014

Week 1 NFL Predictions

All the cool sportswriters do it. So just for kicks, I will attempt to predict this week's final scores.

Green Bay 34, Seattle 24 -- With Green Bay's passing attack, and the league's supposed "point of emphasis" on defensive holding/illegal contact, there will be enough incomplete passes and penalties for this to become the first game in NFL history to end after sunrise the following morning.

New Orleans 36, Atlanta 28 -- Falcons still reeling that their defense finished second to Modern Family for Outstanding Comedy Emmy.

Baltimore 17, Cincinnati 10 -- New drinking game: everybody drinks when TV cameras zoom in on Bengal QB Andy Dalton looking confused after throwing another incomplete pass.

Chicago 35, Buffalo 20 -- The Bills may be inching toward a move to Toronto. Fine. But asking the league to force the Bears to punt on third down is way out of line.

Houston 16, Washington 13 -- The over/under on Robert Griffin III demanding new Redskin head coach Jay Gruden's firing: the 12:14 mark of the third quarter.

Tennessee 20, Kansas City 19 -- The worst part of the iCloud celebrity photo scandal: leaked nude photos of Kansas City coach Andy Reid.

New England 24, Miami 10 -- Adapting to the Logan Mankins trade, Patriots roll out a four-man offensive line and confuse the Dolphins into submission. Belichick's done it again!

Oakland 31, N.Y. Jets 0 -- What better way to get the season rolling than to have Jets fans screaming for the glory days of Mark Sanchez?

Philadelphia 38, Jacksonville 21 --The good news: doctors have officially removed the Jaguars' offense from its medically induced coma.

Pittsburgh 34, Cleveland 7 -- This game is in Pittsburgh, so it won't come into play here, but what I really want to see is what happens when Johnny Manziel gives the finger to the fans in Cleveland's Dawg Pound.

Minnesota 38, St. Louis 10 -- This outcome assumes that some 9-year-old video game whiz uses all the cheat codes for Viking QB Matt Cassel on Madden NFL '15.

San Francisco 35, Dallas 22 -- This year, the Cowboys are changing their ways. They'll make sure they get eliminated from the playoffs before the final game of the season.

Tampa Bay 16, Carolina 10 -- ....That awkward moment when Panthers QB Cam Newton is throwing to guys who were tailgating outside the stadium earlier that morning....

Indianapolis 55, Denver 23 -- In an update to last year's Old Spice commercial, Wes Welker takes  a 40-minute amphetamine bender, and misses the first four games of the season.

N.Y. Giants 30, Detroit 16 -- This game, by itself, could fill a whole segment of ESPN's C'mon Man!

San Diego 27, Arizona 20 -- The second game of the Opening Week Monday Night Doubleheader actually has the potential to be one of the best games of the weekend. Of course, the everyone on the East Coast will miss it because the Giants-Lions game will put them to sleep.

Enjoy this week's games! And Happy Football Season!

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Upside-down 2014 NFL Predictions

Last year at this time, I picked the Atlanta Falcons to beat the Houston Texans in the Super Bowl. The two teams combined to win 6 games in 2013.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

But I'll try.

Here are my 2014 NFL season, where for the most part I'll be picking teams that are supposed to suck to make the playoffs, and vice versa.

If that's something you can't handle, then turn your screen upside-down and the football world will return to its proper equilibrium.

Here goes (playoff teams denoted with an *):

*1) Buffalo Bills
*2) New York Jets
3) Miami Dolphins
4) New England Patriots

*1) Cleveland Browns
*2) Baltimore Ravens
3) Cincinnati Bengals
4) Pittsburgh Steelers

*1) Tennessee Titans
2) Jacksonville Jaguars
3) Houston Texans
4) Indianapolis Colts

*1) Oakland Raiders
2) Kansas City Chiefs
3) Denver Broncos
4) San Diego Chargers

*1) Dallas Cowboys
2) Washington Redskins
3) Philadelphia Eagles
4) New York Giants

*1) Minnesota Vikings
*2) Chicago Bears
3) Detroit Lions
4) Green Bay Packers

*1) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
*2) Carolina Panthers
3) Atlanta Falcons
4) New Orleans Saints

*1) St. Louis Rams
2) Arizona Cardinals
3) San Francisco 49ers
4) Seattle Seahawks

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Jaguars over Bills

SUPER BOWL 49: Rams over Jaguars