Saturday, September 28, 2013

It's Not Complicated, AT&T

Some companies seem to be great to work for. Exhibit A: AT&T. If you play your cards right, AT&T will hire you to interview kids about why bigger is better. The only really difficult part about it is that you have to wear a suit and tie, but as job issues go that's pretty minor.

Then again, this poor guy as been doing this for months. And based on some of the more recent spots, he seems to be getting a little tired of it.

I don't blame him. I think we've gotten the point. Faster is better than slower. Better is better than worse. Two things at once is better than one thing at once. Awesome is better than suck.

Seriously, AT&T. Give this poor guy a vacation. He deserves it.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

2013 NFL Playoff Picks

The hardest part about doing a three-blog series on my kooky NFL predictions is that I have to go back and figure out who I picked to go to the playoffs and then figure out the matchups by seed, which is a real pain in the ass.

But here goes:

(4) Giants 35, (5) Chicago 17. Sorry, Jay Cutler, the fun ends here. Prepare to have your jersey borrowed again.
(3) Atlanta 29, (6) Tampa Bay 18. Yes, I pick strange final scores too.
(4) Houston 20, (5) San Diego 13. I'm saying the Chargers win the tiebreaker over the Jets for the top wild-card seed, but that doesn't necessarily translate to victory.
(6) N.Y. Jets 13, (3) Cincinnati 10. Jets unveil the wishbone offense at halftime and confuse the Bengals to advance.

(1) Green Bay 38, (4) N.Y Giants 31. In an attempt to reverse his recent playoff fortunes, Aaron Rodgers drops the State Farm Discount Double-Check in favor of The Allstate Mayhem Guy.
(3) Atlanta 30, (2) Seattle 28. Essentially, they will replay last year's playoff game, except this time in Seattle.
(6) N.Y. Jets 3, (1) Denver 0. Jets become the first team in NFL history to have time of possession for the full 60 minutes and kick a field goal on the game's final play. This Mark Sanchez wishbone thing could really catch on.
(4) Houston 26, (2) New England 16. In the past year I've become more and more superstitious about picking my Patriots to win. So, I will pick them to lose and hope reverse psychology takes effect.

(3) Atlanta 27, (1) Green Bay 24. Now I'm just completely winging it....
(4) Houston 77, (6) N.Y. Jets 0. The wishbone comes back to bite Jets in the ass, as they become the first team in NFL history to lose a fumble on every play from scrimmage.

(3AFC) Atlanta 41, (4AFC) Houston 38. Matt Schaub's attempt to get revenge on his former team fails. (Seriously, I'm hoping the Patriots will win the Super Bowl so take this was a grain of salt.)

That's all folks. Let the debate begin.

Friday, September 6, 2013

2013 NFC Predictions

.....continuing on with the NFL season predictions (way to defend your crown, Ravens, you jerkbones).

1) NEW YORK GIANTS (8-8) -- Every year the Giants either go 8-8 or win the Super Bowl. I'm banking that they're going to achieve a happy medium this year.
2) Washington Redskins (8-8) -- I'm picking a three-way tie for the division lead, with the Giants winning some silly tiebreaker like net touchdowns in division games. Do any of the so-called experts predict that? Hell no. I'm nothing if not unique.
3) Dallas Cowboys (8-8) -- It wouldn't be the NFL unless Tony Romo lost the final game of the regular season with a playoff berth on the line.
4) Philadelphia Eagles (6-10) -- Also, I'm predicting Riley Cooper won't win the team's 12th man award.

1) GREEN BAY PACKERS (14-2) -- While they will miss the Madden exploits of Greg Jennings running 99 yards for a touchdown on a broken leg, I still think the Packers are the class of the division.
2) CHICAGO BEARS (11-5) -- This prediction only holds true if everyone stops stealing Jay Cutler's stuff. Otherwise, the Bears win 2 games.
3) Detroit Lions (8-8) -- On offense, Matthew Stafford will throw every play of the 2013 season to Calvin Johnson, complete 50% of them for TDs, and the other 50% will be intercepted.
4) Minnesota Vikings (7-9) -- Things will go well this season for the Vikes until teams come up with a new wrinkle -- the 11-man defensive line -- to stop Adrian Peterson in his tracks.

NFC SOUTH -- (I don't want to say anything inflammatory to provide bulletin board material for these teams, since this is the NFC division that plays the Pats this year, so this section will be commentary-less)
3) New Orleans Saints (7-9)
4) Carolina Panthers (6-10)

1) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (11-5) -- Yep, Pete Carroll is pumped and jacked again.
2) San Francisco 49ers (8-8) -- Jim Harbaugh blows a gasket on the sidelines in a game this year and becomes the first coach in NFL history to be assessed a technical foul.
3) St. Louis Rams (7-9) -- The Rams are due to finally improve to slightly-below-average.
4) Arizona Cardinals (2-14) -- Remember when the replacement refs officiated year and the Cardinals started 4-0? Yeah, neither do I.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

2013 AFC Predictions

Every pro football prognosticator thinks he/she has a crystal ball. Well, I'm here to say I don't have one. I'm purposely picking some longshot teams to stir the pot. My goal here is to start arguments, entertain, and flat-out guess.

I'm starting with the AFC, because the Broncos and Ravens play tonight, because doing the entire NFL would make one whopper of a long blog, I don't have the energy to write a long blog and you don't have the energy to read my long blog. The NFC and playoff blogs will follow in the coming days.

Enjoy! (Playoff teams in all caps).

1) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (12-4) -- Because I said so.
2) NEW YORK JETS (10-6) -- As comic as their 2012 was, I don't think the Jets are that bad. I think Rex Ryan is a pretty good coach when he keeps his mouth shut. Hey, every year somebody has to surprise their way into the postseason. Also, I really want to see the Jets run the Mark Sanchez ass-fumble play in the playoffs.
3) Miami Dolphins (7-9) -- Every three years or so the 'Phins land a few mid-grade free agents and get people excited. And ever third year they finish 7-9 anyway.
4) Buffalo Bills (4-12) -- Hiring ex-Syracuse coach Doug Marrone means the Bills are finally serious -- about making a run to the Pinstripe Bowl.

1) CINCINNATI BENGALS (10-6) -- It's rare to feel like the Bengals have the most talent in the division, which means they'll probably find a way to fuck it up and finish 4-12. Oh well.
2) Baltimore Ravens (9-7) -- Tough to pick a team to repeat when they lose so many starters. Also, when you lose a battle with the Baltimore Orioles to have the right to host your Opening Night Title Defense game, you deserve to miss the playoffs on principle.
3) Pittsburgh Steelers (7-9) -- Just because of Ben Roethlisberger's douchebaggery.
4) Cleveland Browns (6-10) -- I was seriously considering picking the Browns ahead of the Steelers, but that would render the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video moot.

1) HOUSTON TEXANS (9-7) -- I feel like their window of opportunity has come and gone. Also, I feel like their uniforms most resemble those of a 1980s USFL team.
2) Indianapolis Colts (7-9) -- The Colts played over their heads last year, which means they'll probably give some of those wins back this year. That said, if there was a Super Bowl for crew-cut-wearing cheerleaders,  the Colts would be a dynasty.
3) Tennessee Titans (3-13) -- I've decided that Jake Locker is the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video of quarterbacks.
4) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-15) -- Seriously? This team still exists?

1) DENVER BRONCOS (14-2) -- I like to say nice things about Peyton Manning in print in an attempt to jinx him.
2) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (10-6) -- Clinching once and for all that Norv Turner was a suck-ass coach.
3) Kansas City Chiefs (5-11) -- Great news, Kansas City! I'm predicting that Alex Smith will do for Kansas City what Matt Cassel did for Kansas City.
4) Oakland Raiders (3-13) -- The Raiders are the L.A. Clippers of the NFL: every time you think their on the verge (i.e.. 2011 Raiders), they blow it up and find a way to suck again. Couldn't happen to a better team.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Beauty: Still In the Eye of the Beholder, Despite What Silly Memes Say

A new one of those random-fact memes is out, saying that studies show that we see ourselves as 5 times more attractive than we really are. Of course, it quotes no person or actual study, so immediately you should be skeptical (though I've seen it delivered as gospel on many people's social media of late).

Another website claims to debunk this "fact" and says we're actually 20% more attractive than we see ourselves.

While I like the second "study" better and tend to feel that we're always our own worst critics, I find myself wondering how someone can actually measure something that is 100% subjective. There's no unit of measurement called a Hottie that quantifies how attractive someone is, and if I feel like I'm a 1 on the Hottie scale, maybe I'm really a .2 or a 1.2 (based on the above studies), but someone else is just as likely to feel like I'm a 13.91 or a -2,472 on the scale. As the old Twilight Zone episode said, it's all in the eye of the beholder.

People should focus less on cutting and pasting memes and more on personal improvement (and that's not necessarily physical improvement).