Thursday, September 5, 2013

2013 AFC Predictions

Every pro football prognosticator thinks he/she has a crystal ball. Well, I'm here to say I don't have one. I'm purposely picking some longshot teams to stir the pot. My goal here is to start arguments, entertain, and flat-out guess.

I'm starting with the AFC, because the Broncos and Ravens play tonight, because doing the entire NFL would make one whopper of a long blog, I don't have the energy to write a long blog and you don't have the energy to read my long blog. The NFC and playoff blogs will follow in the coming days.

Enjoy! (Playoff teams in all caps).

1) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (12-4) -- Because I said so.
2) NEW YORK JETS (10-6) -- As comic as their 2012 was, I don't think the Jets are that bad. I think Rex Ryan is a pretty good coach when he keeps his mouth shut. Hey, every year somebody has to surprise their way into the postseason. Also, I really want to see the Jets run the Mark Sanchez ass-fumble play in the playoffs.
3) Miami Dolphins (7-9) -- Every three years or so the 'Phins land a few mid-grade free agents and get people excited. And ever third year they finish 7-9 anyway.
4) Buffalo Bills (4-12) -- Hiring ex-Syracuse coach Doug Marrone means the Bills are finally serious -- about making a run to the Pinstripe Bowl.

1) CINCINNATI BENGALS (10-6) -- It's rare to feel like the Bengals have the most talent in the division, which means they'll probably find a way to fuck it up and finish 4-12. Oh well.
2) Baltimore Ravens (9-7) -- Tough to pick a team to repeat when they lose so many starters. Also, when you lose a battle with the Baltimore Orioles to have the right to host your Opening Night Title Defense game, you deserve to miss the playoffs on principle.
3) Pittsburgh Steelers (7-9) -- Just because of Ben Roethlisberger's douchebaggery.
4) Cleveland Browns (6-10) -- I was seriously considering picking the Browns ahead of the Steelers, but that would render the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video moot.

1) HOUSTON TEXANS (9-7) -- I feel like their window of opportunity has come and gone. Also, I feel like their uniforms most resemble those of a 1980s USFL team.
2) Indianapolis Colts (7-9) -- The Colts played over their heads last year, which means they'll probably give some of those wins back this year. That said, if there was a Super Bowl for crew-cut-wearing cheerleaders,  the Colts would be a dynasty.
3) Tennessee Titans (3-13) -- I've decided that Jake Locker is the Hastily Made Cleveland Tourism Video of quarterbacks.
4) Jacksonville Jaguars (1-15) -- Seriously? This team still exists?

1) DENVER BRONCOS (14-2) -- I like to say nice things about Peyton Manning in print in an attempt to jinx him.
2) SAN DIEGO CHARGERS (10-6) -- Clinching once and for all that Norv Turner was a suck-ass coach.
3) Kansas City Chiefs (5-11) -- Great news, Kansas City! I'm predicting that Alex Smith will do for Kansas City what Matt Cassel did for Kansas City.
4) Oakland Raiders (3-13) -- The Raiders are the L.A. Clippers of the NFL: every time you think their on the verge (i.e.. 2011 Raiders), they blow it up and find a way to suck again. Couldn't happen to a better team.

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