Wednesday, December 23, 2015

NFL 2015 Week 16 Predictions, Xmas Edition

Another good week. I lost the Thursday and Monday night games, and in between those two bookends I went 12-2. Merry Xmas to me.


The bad news is, it’s now mathematically impossible for me to beat my winning percentage last year, as the four losses means I eclipsed last year’s loss total for the year. Oh well. We’ll get ‘em next year.


This week’s picks:


Oakland 26, San Diego 13 – Most important part of this matchup: these two future stadium roommates hash out their locker room arrangements when they both move to Los Angeles.


Philadelphia 27, Washington 24 – A Redskin victory would clinch the high-school-melodramatic NFC East for Washington with a week to spare. So of course the Eagles will win.


Carolina 10, Atlanta 3 – Still not convinced Carolina is an undefeated-caliber team. Meanwhile I’m like 1-13 picking Falcons games this year. So of course Atlanta will win.


Pittsburgh 23, Baltimore 20 – THE BAD NEWS: Ryan Mallett expected to start at QB for the Ravens. THE GOOD NEWS: the game’s in Baltimore, so they don’t have to worry about him missing the team flight.


Buffalo 14, Dallas 3 – The only two teams to meet in back-to-back Super Bowls, except this year Troy Aikman and Jim Kelly aren’t walking through that door.


Detroit 20, San Francisco 6 – Hard to believe 49ers looked really good on Opening Night against a team that’s virtually a playoff lock.


Kansas City 41, Cleveland 34 – Memo to Johnny Manziel: when Terry Bradshaw’s tooling on you, it’s kinda sad.


Miami 20, Indianapolis 13 – Winning head coach keeps game film for his resume.


New England 17, N.Y. Jets 16 – Two weeks ago Jets were 8-5 and (if the season had ended then) would’ve been in the playoffs. They could conceivably win out and, because of crazy tiebreaker rules, finish 11-5 and not make the playoffs. This is the kind of thing that would only happen to the Jets.


Chicago 31, Tampa Bay 10 – Nobody cares.


Houston 27, Tennessee 24 – Ladies and gentlemen, your AFC South champion Houston Texans….


New Orleans 20, Jacksonville 19 – Twelve years ago this week Saints, trailing 20-13, scored on a play involving like 12 laterals as time expired – and then missed the extra point to lose. It’ been that kind of season for the Saints.


Arizona 26, Green Bay 17 – I’m surprised NBC isn’t flexing this game to Sunday night.


Seattle 30, St. Louis 10 – At least the Rams won’t be jet-lagged in Seattle anymore after they move to Los Angeles.


Minnesota 34, N.Y. Giants 17 – THIS WEEK’S NFL SUSPENSIONS: Odell Beckham Jr., 1 game for head-butting Josh Norman; Tom Coughlin, 2 games for coaching with his head up his ass in the final 1:45 of every 2015 Giants’ loss.


Denver 37, Cincinnati 28 – Last year this game was also on Week 16 Monday night and a Cincinnati win clinched home field throughout the playoffs for New England. Hopefully Patriots will home-field wrapped up by Sunday at 4.





2015 TO DATE: 137-87


2014 AFTER WEEK 14: 151-73



Thursday, December 17, 2015

NFL 2015 Week 15 Picks: Playoff Tiebreaker Edition

Well, last week was my best of the season: 13-3. Better late than never I guess.


This week’s picks:


Tampa Bay 24, St. Louis 14 – Not sure how Jeff Fisher keeps his job every year. Maybe when the Rams move back to Los Angeles they’ll lock him in a closet in St. Louis.


N.Y. Jets 28, Dallas 7 – Jets eliminated from contention from AFC East when Miami lost Monday night, because somehow that clinched that the Patriots will finish the season with a better “strength of victory” than the Jets, which is like the fifth playoff tiebreaker. That’s the sort of thing that would only happen to the Jets.  


Kansas City 20, Baltimore 10 – Can’t imagine the Chiefs would run the table after starting 1-5. But, they are playing the Ravens this week.


Houston 17, Indianapolis 10 – Battle of backup quarterbacks, for the AFC South lead, in a division where 6-6 is good enough for first place. This game deserves to be banished to Thursday Night.


Atlanta 41, Jacksonville 14 – Ladies and gentlemen, your AFC South champion Jacksonville Jaguars!


Minnesota 40, Chicago 14 – Just when you thought the Bears were about to sneak into the playoff conversation, reality struck.


New England 24, Tennessee 7 – The Patriots could field an Injured Reserve squad that’d beat the Titans.


N.Y. Giants 27, Carolina 13 – I’m giving the Panthers one more chance to not go undefeated.


Buffalo 24, Washington 17 – I mean at some point somebody has to create some separation in the NFC East, whether it’s by winning or losing.


Green Bay 38, Oakland 7 – I’m betting the Raiders can’t beat playoff teams in consecutive weeks.


Seattle 31, Cleveland 13 – In last week’s win, Johnny Manziel started talking smack to 49ers after a play in which he was sacked in the end zone for a safety was nullified by a San Francisco penalty. You know you’re having a bad season when that’s the best opportunity for you to talk smack.


Pittsburgh 35, Denver 24 – In this matchup, I prefer to say that I’m rooting against the Broncos.


San Diego 12, Miami 9 – At this rate the Dolphins may cinch that the Jets lose the strength-of-victory tiebreaker against everyone.


Cincinnati 20, San Francisco 13 – Seems a little weird that the Super Bowl is in San Francisco in a year when the 49ers (five Super Bowl championships) are so awful.


Arizona 20, Philadelphia 17 – Third time in the last six week Arizona is on Sunday Night Football. NBC stands for Nothing But Cardinals.


New Orleans 42, Detroit 7 – I still can’t believe the Lions lost that Green Bay game.




2015 TO DATE: 123-85


2014 AFTER WEEK 14: 139-69

Thursday, December 10, 2015

NFL 2015 Week 14 Predictions: Pooch/Onside Kick Thingie Edition

My season in a nutshell: For the Redskins-Cowboys game Monday night I wrote “Redskins playing a meaningful game with playoff implications against a weak opponent. So they’ll probably lose.” So of course I pick the Redskins to win anyway. And of course they fulfill my prediction.


This week’s picks:


Arizona 41, Minnesota 17 – No idea who that team was that got throttled last Sunday by the Seahawks, who got beat a couple weeks back by Arizona. Good thing NFL games aren’t decided by rock-paper-scissors.


Seattle 31, Baltimore 24 – This was originally scheduled as this week’s Sunday night game, but because of the Ravens’ horrible season NBC dropped it and flexed in Patriots-Texans. Just one more reason for John Harbaugh to complain about the Patriots.


Carolina 30, Atlanta 20 – Gave up on the Falcons after they lost last week; thought the Panthers’ last chance to lose was vs. Saints last week and Carolina barely escaped. So of course Atlanta will win.


Chicago 24, Washington 16 – At this rate, the NFC East will be won by a team with a 5-10-1 record.


Pittsburgh 42, Cincinnati 21 – A Steelers win helps out the Patriots. Fuck my life.


Cleveland 13, San Francisco 10 – It’s about that time when Johnny Manziel shows “flashes of potential” before personally imploding again.


Jacksonville 44, Indianapolis 17 – At this rate, the AFC South will be won by a team with a 6-9-1 record.


Kansas City 31, San Diego 0 – If this is the Chargers’ farewell season in San Diego, they’re going out in style.


N.Y. Jets 35, Tennessee 10 – THEN: Jets file tampering charges against Patriots for “tampering” with Darrelle Revis, who actually signed with Jets. NOW: Jets file tampering charges against Titans for plagiarizing the Jets’ early 1960s team nickname.


Buffalo 10, Philadelphia 7 – Prediction only good if Rex Ryan elects not to pooch kick.


St. Louis 37, Detroit 16 – Detroit Lions defense: the all-time recipient of the YOU HAD ONE JOB meme.


New Orleans 14, Tampa Bay 7 – I feel like I deserve credit for picking the Saints to beat Carolina last week since the game went down to the wire. Dammit, Saints defense, YOU HAD ONE JOB.


Denver 26, Oakland 13 – A Raiders win helps out the Patriots. Fuck my life.


Green Bay 37, Dallas 27 – On the bright side for the Cowboys, since Tony Romo won’t be playing they don’t have to worry about getting screwed on controversial catch/non-catch calls by the refs.


New England 42, Houston 14 – This game seems like a matchup nightmare for the Patriots. But somehow Belichick excels at the type of game where you’re like, “How can they possibly win.”


N.Y. Giants 23, Miami 13 – New course offering at the University of Phoenix: Fourth-Quarter Offensive Play-Calling 101, with Professor Tom Coughlin. Offered pass/fail.





2015 TO DATE: 110-82


2014 AFTER WEEK 12: 126-66


Thursday, December 3, 2015

NFL 2015 Week 13 Predictions -- Bad Officiating Edition

I got so wound up with Thanksgiving that I forgot to see how I did last week. The answer: 9-7. Would’ve been a much-better-sounding 10-6 if the Browns hadn’t imploded at the end of Monday night. Oh well.


This week’s picks:


Green Bay 40, Detroit 10 – Lions can’t really sweep the Packers, can they?


Houston 24, Buffalo 21 – JJ Watt has more sacks than the Buffalo front seven combined. Yeah, but Rex Ryan has a bigger mouth than the entire population of Houston combined.


Chicago 13, San Francisco 3 – Bears sneaking into the playoff picture. And I didn’t burst out laughing when I typed that.


Cincinnati 24, Cleveland 6 – LAST WEEK: Browns attempt field goal on the last play of a tie game. RESULT: Field goal attempt blocked by Ravens and run back for game-winning touchdown. THIS WEEK: Browns coach Mike Pettine attempts to light Christmas tree at team headquarters, sets Browns’ facility on fire.


Miami 28, Baltimore 13 – Remember six weeks ago when everybody was like, “Wow, Dan Campbell really turned this Dolphins team around?”


Seattle 41, Minnesota 20 – There’s always one game every week where I’m like, “Why am I picking this team to win?” This week, this is the game.


N.Y. Giants 41, N.Y. Jets 28 – Giants and Jets playing just the way I like them to play: with both teams in danger of fading from playoff contention.


Arizona 19, St. Louis 6 – Bruce Arians on the Rams: “I’ll have dinner with ‘em, but I ain’t liking ‘em.” Wait….what?


Atlanta 28, Tampa Bay 24 – I’m giving the Falcons one last chance before I give up on them for the season.


Tennessee 17, Jacksonville 6 – I’m giving the Titans one last chance to play like an NFL team before I give up on them for the season.


Kansas City 20, Oakland 13 – I feel like Chiefs are due for a letdown. If I hadn’t already picked the Seahawks to beat the Vikings, this would be “that game.”


Denver 20, San Diego 17 – I mean, any quarterback would look like Peyton Manning if they get every holding call, even the ones that don’t exist.


New England 31, Philadelphia 28 – Referee Pete Morelli and his crew was demoted after a poor performance last week, and reassigned from the Sunday night Indianapolis-Pittsburgh game to this one. That’s like impeaching Richard Nixon and reassigning him to governor of Massachusetts.


New Orleans 32, Carolina 21 – Saints suck, but for some reason I feel like they have the best chance to knock Carolina from the ranks of the undefeated.


Pittsburgh 26, Indianapolis 7 – I mean, Matt Hasselbeck has to lose a game sometime, right?


Washington 27, Dallas 20 – Redskins playing a meaningful game with playoff implications against a weak opponent. So they’ll probably lose.







2015 TO DATE: 101-75


2014 AFTER WEEK 12: 118-58