Wednesday, December 23, 2015

NFL 2015 Week 16 Predictions, Xmas Edition

Another good week. I lost the Thursday and Monday night games, and in between those two bookends I went 12-2. Merry Xmas to me.


The bad news is, it’s now mathematically impossible for me to beat my winning percentage last year, as the four losses means I eclipsed last year’s loss total for the year. Oh well. We’ll get ‘em next year.


This week’s picks:


Oakland 26, San Diego 13 – Most important part of this matchup: these two future stadium roommates hash out their locker room arrangements when they both move to Los Angeles.


Philadelphia 27, Washington 24 – A Redskin victory would clinch the high-school-melodramatic NFC East for Washington with a week to spare. So of course the Eagles will win.


Carolina 10, Atlanta 3 – Still not convinced Carolina is an undefeated-caliber team. Meanwhile I’m like 1-13 picking Falcons games this year. So of course Atlanta will win.


Pittsburgh 23, Baltimore 20 – THE BAD NEWS: Ryan Mallett expected to start at QB for the Ravens. THE GOOD NEWS: the game’s in Baltimore, so they don’t have to worry about him missing the team flight.


Buffalo 14, Dallas 3 – The only two teams to meet in back-to-back Super Bowls, except this year Troy Aikman and Jim Kelly aren’t walking through that door.


Detroit 20, San Francisco 6 – Hard to believe 49ers looked really good on Opening Night against a team that’s virtually a playoff lock.


Kansas City 41, Cleveland 34 – Memo to Johnny Manziel: when Terry Bradshaw’s tooling on you, it’s kinda sad.


Miami 20, Indianapolis 13 – Winning head coach keeps game film for his resume.


New England 17, N.Y. Jets 16 – Two weeks ago Jets were 8-5 and (if the season had ended then) would’ve been in the playoffs. They could conceivably win out and, because of crazy tiebreaker rules, finish 11-5 and not make the playoffs. This is the kind of thing that would only happen to the Jets.


Chicago 31, Tampa Bay 10 – Nobody cares.


Houston 27, Tennessee 24 – Ladies and gentlemen, your AFC South champion Houston Texans….


New Orleans 20, Jacksonville 19 – Twelve years ago this week Saints, trailing 20-13, scored on a play involving like 12 laterals as time expired – and then missed the extra point to lose. It’ been that kind of season for the Saints.


Arizona 26, Green Bay 17 – I’m surprised NBC isn’t flexing this game to Sunday night.


Seattle 30, St. Louis 10 – At least the Rams won’t be jet-lagged in Seattle anymore after they move to Los Angeles.


Minnesota 34, N.Y. Giants 17 – THIS WEEK’S NFL SUSPENSIONS: Odell Beckham Jr., 1 game for head-butting Josh Norman; Tom Coughlin, 2 games for coaching with his head up his ass in the final 1:45 of every 2015 Giants’ loss.


Denver 37, Cincinnati 28 – Last year this game was also on Week 16 Monday night and a Cincinnati win clinched home field throughout the playoffs for New England. Hopefully Patriots will home-field wrapped up by Sunday at 4.





2015 TO DATE: 137-87


2014 AFTER WEEK 14: 151-73



Thursday, December 17, 2015

NFL 2015 Week 15 Picks: Playoff Tiebreaker Edition

Well, last week was my best of the season: 13-3. Better late than never I guess.


This week’s picks:


Tampa Bay 24, St. Louis 14 – Not sure how Jeff Fisher keeps his job every year. Maybe when the Rams move back to Los Angeles they’ll lock him in a closet in St. Louis.


N.Y. Jets 28, Dallas 7 – Jets eliminated from contention from AFC East when Miami lost Monday night, because somehow that clinched that the Patriots will finish the season with a better “strength of victory” than the Jets, which is like the fifth playoff tiebreaker. That’s the sort of thing that would only happen to the Jets.  


Kansas City 20, Baltimore 10 – Can’t imagine the Chiefs would run the table after starting 1-5. But, they are playing the Ravens this week.


Houston 17, Indianapolis 10 – Battle of backup quarterbacks, for the AFC South lead, in a division where 6-6 is good enough for first place. This game deserves to be banished to Thursday Night.


Atlanta 41, Jacksonville 14 – Ladies and gentlemen, your AFC South champion Jacksonville Jaguars!


Minnesota 40, Chicago 14 – Just when you thought the Bears were about to sneak into the playoff conversation, reality struck.


New England 24, Tennessee 7 – The Patriots could field an Injured Reserve squad that’d beat the Titans.


N.Y. Giants 27, Carolina 13 – I’m giving the Panthers one more chance to not go undefeated.


Buffalo 24, Washington 17 – I mean at some point somebody has to create some separation in the NFC East, whether it’s by winning or losing.


Green Bay 38, Oakland 7 – I’m betting the Raiders can’t beat playoff teams in consecutive weeks.


Seattle 31, Cleveland 13 – In last week’s win, Johnny Manziel started talking smack to 49ers after a play in which he was sacked in the end zone for a safety was nullified by a San Francisco penalty. You know you’re having a bad season when that’s the best opportunity for you to talk smack.


Pittsburgh 35, Denver 24 – In this matchup, I prefer to say that I’m rooting against the Broncos.


San Diego 12, Miami 9 – At this rate the Dolphins may cinch that the Jets lose the strength-of-victory tiebreaker against everyone.


Cincinnati 20, San Francisco 13 – Seems a little weird that the Super Bowl is in San Francisco in a year when the 49ers (five Super Bowl championships) are so awful.


Arizona 20, Philadelphia 17 – Third time in the last six week Arizona is on Sunday Night Football. NBC stands for Nothing But Cardinals.


New Orleans 42, Detroit 7 – I still can’t believe the Lions lost that Green Bay game.




2015 TO DATE: 123-85


2014 AFTER WEEK 14: 139-69

Thursday, December 10, 2015

NFL 2015 Week 14 Predictions: Pooch/Onside Kick Thingie Edition

My season in a nutshell: For the Redskins-Cowboys game Monday night I wrote “Redskins playing a meaningful game with playoff implications against a weak opponent. So they’ll probably lose.” So of course I pick the Redskins to win anyway. And of course they fulfill my prediction.


This week’s picks:


Arizona 41, Minnesota 17 – No idea who that team was that got throttled last Sunday by the Seahawks, who got beat a couple weeks back by Arizona. Good thing NFL games aren’t decided by rock-paper-scissors.


Seattle 31, Baltimore 24 – This was originally scheduled as this week’s Sunday night game, but because of the Ravens’ horrible season NBC dropped it and flexed in Patriots-Texans. Just one more reason for John Harbaugh to complain about the Patriots.


Carolina 30, Atlanta 20 – Gave up on the Falcons after they lost last week; thought the Panthers’ last chance to lose was vs. Saints last week and Carolina barely escaped. So of course Atlanta will win.


Chicago 24, Washington 16 – At this rate, the NFC East will be won by a team with a 5-10-1 record.


Pittsburgh 42, Cincinnati 21 – A Steelers win helps out the Patriots. Fuck my life.


Cleveland 13, San Francisco 10 – It’s about that time when Johnny Manziel shows “flashes of potential” before personally imploding again.


Jacksonville 44, Indianapolis 17 – At this rate, the AFC South will be won by a team with a 6-9-1 record.


Kansas City 31, San Diego 0 – If this is the Chargers’ farewell season in San Diego, they’re going out in style.


N.Y. Jets 35, Tennessee 10 – THEN: Jets file tampering charges against Patriots for “tampering” with Darrelle Revis, who actually signed with Jets. NOW: Jets file tampering charges against Titans for plagiarizing the Jets’ early 1960s team nickname.


Buffalo 10, Philadelphia 7 – Prediction only good if Rex Ryan elects not to pooch kick.


St. Louis 37, Detroit 16 – Detroit Lions defense: the all-time recipient of the YOU HAD ONE JOB meme.


New Orleans 14, Tampa Bay 7 – I feel like I deserve credit for picking the Saints to beat Carolina last week since the game went down to the wire. Dammit, Saints defense, YOU HAD ONE JOB.


Denver 26, Oakland 13 – A Raiders win helps out the Patriots. Fuck my life.


Green Bay 37, Dallas 27 – On the bright side for the Cowboys, since Tony Romo won’t be playing they don’t have to worry about getting screwed on controversial catch/non-catch calls by the refs.


New England 42, Houston 14 – This game seems like a matchup nightmare for the Patriots. But somehow Belichick excels at the type of game where you’re like, “How can they possibly win.”


N.Y. Giants 23, Miami 13 – New course offering at the University of Phoenix: Fourth-Quarter Offensive Play-Calling 101, with Professor Tom Coughlin. Offered pass/fail.





2015 TO DATE: 110-82


2014 AFTER WEEK 12: 126-66


Thursday, December 3, 2015

NFL 2015 Week 13 Predictions -- Bad Officiating Edition

I got so wound up with Thanksgiving that I forgot to see how I did last week. The answer: 9-7. Would’ve been a much-better-sounding 10-6 if the Browns hadn’t imploded at the end of Monday night. Oh well.


This week’s picks:


Green Bay 40, Detroit 10 – Lions can’t really sweep the Packers, can they?


Houston 24, Buffalo 21 – JJ Watt has more sacks than the Buffalo front seven combined. Yeah, but Rex Ryan has a bigger mouth than the entire population of Houston combined.


Chicago 13, San Francisco 3 – Bears sneaking into the playoff picture. And I didn’t burst out laughing when I typed that.


Cincinnati 24, Cleveland 6 – LAST WEEK: Browns attempt field goal on the last play of a tie game. RESULT: Field goal attempt blocked by Ravens and run back for game-winning touchdown. THIS WEEK: Browns coach Mike Pettine attempts to light Christmas tree at team headquarters, sets Browns’ facility on fire.


Miami 28, Baltimore 13 – Remember six weeks ago when everybody was like, “Wow, Dan Campbell really turned this Dolphins team around?”


Seattle 41, Minnesota 20 – There’s always one game every week where I’m like, “Why am I picking this team to win?” This week, this is the game.


N.Y. Giants 41, N.Y. Jets 28 – Giants and Jets playing just the way I like them to play: with both teams in danger of fading from playoff contention.


Arizona 19, St. Louis 6 – Bruce Arians on the Rams: “I’ll have dinner with ‘em, but I ain’t liking ‘em.” Wait….what?


Atlanta 28, Tampa Bay 24 – I’m giving the Falcons one last chance before I give up on them for the season.


Tennessee 17, Jacksonville 6 – I’m giving the Titans one last chance to play like an NFL team before I give up on them for the season.


Kansas City 20, Oakland 13 – I feel like Chiefs are due for a letdown. If I hadn’t already picked the Seahawks to beat the Vikings, this would be “that game.”


Denver 20, San Diego 17 – I mean, any quarterback would look like Peyton Manning if they get every holding call, even the ones that don’t exist.


New England 31, Philadelphia 28 – Referee Pete Morelli and his crew was demoted after a poor performance last week, and reassigned from the Sunday night Indianapolis-Pittsburgh game to this one. That’s like impeaching Richard Nixon and reassigning him to governor of Massachusetts.


New Orleans 32, Carolina 21 – Saints suck, but for some reason I feel like they have the best chance to knock Carolina from the ranks of the undefeated.


Pittsburgh 26, Indianapolis 7 – I mean, Matt Hasselbeck has to lose a game sometime, right?


Washington 27, Dallas 20 – Redskins playing a meaningful game with playoff implications against a weak opponent. So they’ll probably lose.







2015 TO DATE: 101-75


2014 AFTER WEEK 12: 118-58

Thursday, November 26, 2015

2015 NFL Week 12 Predictions -- Thanksgiving Edition

Much better week last week -- 9-5. I was 3-5 in the 1pm Sunday games and undefeated at all other times.

Happy Thanksgiving! This week's picks:

Philadelphia 13, Detroit 11 -- This game should be more comical than the Snoopy-lawnchair brawl.

Carolina 24, Dallas 20 -- THIS WEEK: 10-0 Carolina was a betting underdog against 3-7 Dallas. NEXT WEEK: Panthers will be underdogs against Charlie Brown's baseball team.

Green Bay 17, Chicago 3 -- Can't wait for Brett Favre to announce he's coming out of retirement.

Atlanta 24, Minnesota 14 -- I'm giving the Falcons one last chance to pull their heads out of their asses before I give up on them completely.

Cincinnati 24, St. Louis 10 -- First meeting between these two teams since Harvey Dahl became a YouTube legend. (NSFW)

Houston 23, New Orleans 10 -- Probably will regret this pick, because I feel like the winner if the AFC South is destined to have a losing record this year.

Indianapolis 31, Tampa Bay 28 -- Colts file a complaint with the NFL, claiming that Buccaneers arrived at the game with undercooked turkeys.

Jacksonville 24, San Diego 17 -- Jaguars are legitimately in the mix for the AFC South title. That can't possibly last, can it?

Kansas City 54, Buffalo 31 -- Chiefs are legitimately in the mix for an AFC wild-card berth. That can't possibly last, can it?

N.Y. Jets 20, Miami 3 -- DOLPHINS, LAST WEEK'S GOAL: End a streak of three consecutive games with a Ryan Tannehill-involved safety. RESULT: No safeties, but Tannehill threw an interception that was returned for a touchdown. THIS WEEK'S GOAL: Get Dolphins' Thanksgiving dinner ready early so there's no waiting. RESULT: Dinner ready on time, but the lawnchair from A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving shows up to kick the crap out of the Dolphins.

Oakland 23, Tennessee 19 -- Just think, a couple of weeks ago people were using the words "Raiders" and "playoffs" in the same sentence.

N.Y. Giants 23, Washington 19 -- For the rest of the season, Tom Coughlin vows to employ clock management in the game's final two minutes without his head up his ass.

Arizona 27, San Francisco 6 -- NFL unveils the new Colin Kaepernick Injured Reserve List: after you get hurt, you're allowed to play for six more weeks.

Seattle 13, Pittsburgh 9 -- Seahawks haven't scored a point against the Steelers since the third quarter of Super Bowl XL (10 years, two full games + one quarter).

New England 34, Denver 31 -- If the Patriots suffer any more wide receiver injuries they may have to re-sign Deion Branch.

Cleveland 33, Baltimore 30 -- The only thing worse than watching this game: watching this game while listening to Jon Gruden.


2015 TO DATE: 92-68

2014 AFTER WEEK 11: 106-55

Thursday, November 19, 2015

2015 NFL Week 11 Predictions

Well, I had a horrible week -- 5-9. I'm sure everyone did though. I mean, who would expect this horrible Lions team to be the first to win a game in Green Bay since the Revolutionary War? Or a Texans team that finished the game with a backup QB who wasn't even on the team a couple of weeks ago would beat the previously undefeated Bengals? Or that Peyton Manning would be benched for the first time in his career?

Oh well. This week's picks:

Jacksonville 24, Tennessee 14 -- Titans vs. Jaguars: the most compelling argument yet against Thursday Night Football.

Atlanta 17, Indianapolis 7 -- Hillary Clinton gave a speech sponsored by the law firm that worked on the Deflategate investigation. I didn't realize she hated the Patriots so much.

St. Louis 33, Baltimore 22 -- Because of a depleted offensive line, Patriots have used TE Michael Williams in spot duty on the offensive line the past couple of weeks. John Harbaugh is having a hissy-fit over this.

Carolina 20, Washington 17 -- In 11 all-time meetings, the final score between these two teams has been 20-17 four times. What the hell, why not one more?

Denver 17, Chicago 12 -- First game for Bears coach John Fox and QB Jay Cutler against their former team -- that is, unless Cutler gets hurt during pre-game warm-ups.

Oakland 28, Detroit 14 -- At least or one week, Matthew Stafford wasn't the worst QB in the NFC North.

N.Y. Jets 30, Houston 27 -- An injured Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. a guy who wasn't with the Texans three weeks ago. This is not exactly Brady vs. Manning.

Dallas 20, Miami 14 -- DAN CAMPBELL'S GOAL LAST WEEK: Get Dolphins to make it through the entire game without Ryan Tannehill giving up a safety. RESULT: Tannehill sacked in the end zone for a safety 5 minutes into the game. DAN CAMPBELL'S GOAL THIS WEEK: Try out a new macaroni-and-cheese recipe. RESULT: Dolphins team headquarters burns to the ground.

Philadelphia 20, Tampa Bay 10 -- If Mark Sanche starts for Eagles, all bets are off.

Kansas City 22, San Diego 7 -- Philip Rivers is no Brock Osweiler.

Green Bay 31, Minnesota 3 -- First place is on the line in the NFC North. Hard to believe Minnesota got bundled on Opening Night by the 49ers.

Seattle 20, San Francisco 14 -- Seattle's seqeuence of wins and losses: Loss, Loss, Win, Win, Loss, Loss, Win, Win, Loss. Based on that pattern I'd say they're destined to lose again, except that they're playing the 49ers.

Arizona 35, Cincinnati 27 -- After beating the Bengals, JJ Watt called Andy "Red Rifle" Dalton the "Red Ryder BB Gun." It gets even more awkward Sunday night when Dalton accidentally shoots his eye out.

New England 27, Buffalo 24 -- Rex Ryan must have a stiffy the size of Rhode Island by now.


2015: 83-63

2014 AFTER WEEK 10: 97-50

Thursday, November 12, 2015

2015 Week 10 NFL Predictions: Super Bowl Rematch Edition

Finished a mediocre 7-6 last week, no thanks to the Chargers, who are quietly having an awful year. I hate the Chargers though so I’m not complaining.

This week's picks:

N.Y. Jets 34, Buffalo 12 – Rex Ryan rolls himself out as game captain for the pre-game coin toss.

Baltimore 30, Jacksonville 3 – Both teams suck. That is all.


Green Bay 40, Detroit 14 – Lions haven’t beaten Green Bay in Lambeau since like 1814, and that probably won’t change when you hire a new offensive coordinator named Jim Bob Cooter.

Philadelphia 17, Miami 7 – Rebuilding a team takes small steps. Dolphins goal this week: go through the entire game without a shotgun snap going over Ryan Tannehill’s head for a safety.

Pittsburgh 34, Cleveland 21 – At this rate, Ben Roethlisberger should take the rest of the year off.


St. Louis 20, Chicago 12 – Jay Cutler is now the Bears’ all-time leader in touchdown passes. That’s like Rob Schneider being the all-time leader in Academy Awards for Best Actor.

Dallas 13, Tampa Bay 9 – Maybe Greg Hardy shouldn’t be on Twitter.

Carolina 30, Tennessee 3 – Wait…why does Carolina get two bye weeks?

New Orleans 27, Washington 24 – After Washington receivers dropped about 200 passes vs. Patriots last week, Jay Gruden moved them all to defensive back for the rest of the season.

Minnesota 31, Oakland 20 – Raiders linebacker Ray-Ray Armstrong could face felony charges after taunting a Pittsburgh Police Department K-9 before Sunday’s Steelers game. I don’t see any need to add further pressure to overcrowded prisons – playing for the Raiders is punishment enough.

Denver 49, Kansas City 29 – After receiving a one-game suspension for poking the eye of Colts’ TE Dwayne Allen, Aqib Talib will spend this game poking everyone on Facebook.


New England 24, N.Y. Giants 20 – The concept of Patriots playing the Giants while undefeated makes me nauseous.

Arizona 36, Seattle 18 – Seahawks’ sequence of wins and losses in 2015: Loss, Loss, Win, Win, Loss, Loss, Win, Win. Well I guess we know how this game will end.

Cincinnati 34, Houston 27 – Texans’ defense might have better results if they didn’t send JJ Watt into that forest to chop wood.


2015: 78-54

2014 THROUGH WEEK 9: 86-48



Thursday, November 5, 2015

NFL Week 9 Predictions: Bugged Locker Room Edition

Getting back into the swing of things – since Week 2 I’m now 58-29 (.667) in my picks. And I don’t even have the help of the Patriots’ secret listening devices.

This week's picks:

Cincinnati 29, Cleveland 26 – That Browns fan judge from those NFL Network commercials should have all her rulings overturned on appeal.

Buffalo 30, Miami 24 – Rex Ryan has a habit of trolling the other team in naming his pre-game captains. He should troll the Dolphins by naming as captain the early-season Bills team that was actually kinda good.

Green Bay 38, Carolina 17 – Are we sure that was Aaron Rodgers last Sunday night vs. Denver and not a 157-year-old Brett Favre sneaking out of retirement?


St. Louis 23, Minnesota 21 – The Vikings are now one game behind Green Bay for first place in the NFC North. Imagine if they hadn’t laid an egg on Opening Night vs. San Francisco?


New England 52, Washington 7 – Overheard in the Redskins locker room, courtesy of Patriots’ listening devices: “Can you believe we’re still in the thick of things in the NFC East? What a joke this division is!”


New Orleans 23, Tennessee 10 – Dolphins: fire head coach, beat the crap out of Tennessee the following week. Titans: fire head coach, still suck the following week.


N.Y. Jets 24, Jacksonville 22 – NFL Network show host: “Can Blake Bortles do to the Jets what Derek Carr did to them last week?” Commentator: “Probably not.” Well, then….


Pittsburgh, 20, Oakland 13 – Steelers: 2-2 with Ben Roethlisberger, 2-2 without. Hmmm….


Atlanta 20, San Francisco 16 – Atlanta: 6-2, would be 3-5 if their schedule wasn’t loaded up with Division II football teams.

N.Y. Giants 22, Tampa Bay 20 – I rarely agree with Roger Goodell, but I think his decision to reject the Buccaneers’ petition to realign to the NFC East was sound.

Denver 55, Indianapolis 23 – This game could determine whether Chuck Pagano stays on as head coach. You know what that means….more fake punts!


Philadelphia 20, Dallas 16 – After Tony Romo went down, I feel like Cowboys would’ve been better served if they had gone with Artsy Craftsy Tony Romo at QB.


San Diego 20, Chicago 7 – Can they start flexing Monday night games too?



2015: 71-48

2014 THROUGH WEEK 8: 77-44


Thursday, October 29, 2015

2015 NFL Week 8 Predictions: Patriots on Thursday Night Football Edition

Nice rebound for me this past weekend (10-4). I don't have time to waste since the Patriots play tonight.

This week's picks:

New England 27, Miami 17 -- Because of the short prep week, Bill Belichick said he went so easy on the team that his mother could've finished this week's team practices. Which is good, because next weekend the Patriots' and Dolphins' moms are scheduled to play each other.

Detroit 7, Kansas City 6 -- The designated "home teams" in this year's London games: Dolphins, Jaguars, Chiefs. No wonder the Brits prefer soccer.

Atlanta 24, Tampa Bay 21 -- After blowing a 24-point-lead to lose to Washington last weekend, Lovie Smith said Buccaneers are "in a dark place." They're gonna be in an even darker place this weekend once we turn the clocks back.

Baltimore 14, San Diego 13 -- Ravens in January: cried about Patriots using eligible receivers at ineligible positions in the playoffs last year. Still lost the game. Ravens in October: get flagged vs. Cardinals for ineligible receivers not reporting to play eligible positions. Still lost the game.  Karma's a bitch, Ravens Nation.

Minnesota 25, Chicago 7 -- Hard to believe the Bears are an overtime loss two weeks ago from being 3-3.

Arizona 29, Cleveland 21 -- Last week: Cardinals beat the Ravens, i.e., the old Browns. Meet the new Browns, same as the old Browns.

Houston 28, Tennessee 22 -- Ryan Mallett cut after missing Texans' charter flight to Miami this past weekend. Texans trailed Dolphins 41-0 at halftime; obviously Mallett knew something everyone else didn't.

New Orleans 31, N.Y. Giants 3 -- Giants CB Prince Amukamara on JPP, post-surgery: "I've never seen a hand like that before." Fine. But if he develops a Velociraptor toe-claw the league has to step in.

Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 13 -- I'm gonna keep picking against the Bengals because someday they'll lose.

St. Louis 28, San Francisco 10 -- Seattle CB Richard Sherman this week expressed his dislike for Thursday Night Football. Judging from the way 49ers played against Seattle last week, they also hate Thursday Night Football.

N.Y. Jets 28, Oakland 19 -- Picked the Chargers to beat Oakland last week and knew I should've gone with the Raiders instead. KNEW IT! I hate myself for that.

Seattle 38, Dallas 17 -- Greg Hardy's most fearsome pass rush to date last week, vs. the Dallas special teams coach.

Green Bay 19, Denver 13 -- Just what we need: three hours of Bob Costas philosophizing about these two undefeated teams and quarterbacks playing. Almost makes me wish NBC would flex out of this game.

Carolina 31, Indianapolis 7 -- After Colts laid an egg vs. New Orleans, owner Jim Irsay and GM Ryan Grigson reportedly got into "a heated discussion" in Indianapolis locker room. Which, according to the laws of physics, raised the temperature of the footballs in the room by at least 2 psi.


2015: 62-43

2014 THROUGH WEEK 7: 67-39

Thursday, October 22, 2015

2015 NFL Week 7 Predictions: Swinging Gate Edition

Mediocre week (7-7). That said, Patriots beat the Colts, thanks partially to the Colts running that silly swinging gate fake punt play. So I'm happy:

This week's picks:

Seattle 15, San Francisco 6 -- I rarely agree with Roger Goodell, but I think the NFL commissioner made the right call when he rejected Fred Jackson's request to determine the winner of this matchup by drag racing outside Seahawks' team headquarters.

Buffalo 17, Jacksonville 16 -- Me: "Great. ANOTHER London NFL game?" Friend: "I don't think any game involving the Jaguars constitutes an NFL game."

Minnesota 20, Detroit 7 -- Megatron: "I once understood catch rule, now I don't." Matthew Stafford: "I once understood how to play quarterback, now I don't."

New Orleans 62, Indianapolis 7 -- On this week's episode of The Middle, someone says, "Someone must have a pretty good reason not to watch the Colts." That fake punt play seems like a pretty damn good reason to me.

Pittsburgh 27, Kansas City 3 -- Remember when the Chiefs were a defensive stop vs. Peyton Manning away from starting 2-0?

Houston 29, Miami 28 -- 2015 Texans preview: "WATT! WILFORK!!! CLOWNEY!!! BADASS DEFENSE!!!!!" 2015 Dolphins preview: SUH! WAKE!!!! BADASS DEFENSE!!!!!" Everyone in October 2015: Oversold?

New England 27, N.Y. Jets 25 -- Revis Island, moving from New England to New York, proving the theory of continental drift.

St. Louis 34, Cleveland 3 -- FACT: When founded in the 1930s, Rams were based in Cleveland as a franchise in a rival football league, then applied to join the NFL. FACT: Browns currently based in Cleveland, still applying to join NFL.

Atlanta 23, Tennessee 13 -- Last time these two teams played, four years ago, was Jake Locker's NFL regular-season debut with Titans. Locker is now retired. Marcus Mariota's preseason NFL debut was in August against Falcons. Ominous sign?

Washington 32, Tampa Bay 28 -- While the NFL is at it, make these two teams play in London, too.

San Diego 24, Oakland 9 -- In one of about three different scenarios to bring NFL football back to Los Angeles, these two teams would share a stadium to be built outside LA. Heck, you could merge these two teams and they'd still find a way to miss the playoffs.

N.Y. Giants 31, Dallas 21 -- Giants, struggling for consistency, promise that if they lose this game, they'll suck in all four quarters instead of blowing it at the end.

Carolina 30, Philadelphia 8 -- Big Eagles win Monday night means Chip Kelly gets a one-week reprieve from me poking fun at him.

Arizona 30, Baltimore 27 -- I don't care of the Ravens have played back-to-back games out West, John Harbaugh's excuse for Baltimore's poor play ("Yeah, but it's a dry offense.") is lame.


2015: 52-39

2014 THROUGH WEEK 6: 55-36

Thursday, October 15, 2015

NFL 2015 Week 6 Predictions: Coca-Cola Is Poison Edition

Picture it...I'm on the edge of my seat Monday night around 11:30, obsessing over two football teams I hate (Steelers and Chargers), because the result of the game's final play will determine whether I finish the week with a winning record on my picks. Sucks that my fate rested on whether the Steelers gambling on a play from the Wildcat formation with 5 seconds left would work. Luckily it did.

That said, last year I went 14-1 in Week 5, so I'm suddenly behind the curve. Hopefully I can catch up.

This week's picks:

Falcons 34, Saints 31 -- Falcons: struggled to beat mediocre Redskins team. Saints: got their asses whooped by mediocre Eagles team. This could be the first NFL game ever decided by rock-paper-scissors.

Bills 27, Bengals 24 -- LAST WEEK: Rex Ryan tried to clamp down on Buffalo's penalty problems by forcing team to wear "YES, SIR!" wristbands during game. RESULT: Bills' recovery of Tennessee fumble on opening kickoff nullified by offsides penalty. THIS WEEK: Rex Ryan clamps down on poor eating habits, orders Wendy's Triple Baconator every day at lunch.

Denver 27, Cleveland 0 -- Broncos: one of six undefeated teams, an NFL record heading into Week 6. Browns: still the Cleveland Browns.

Detroit 24, Chicago 7 -- Lions bench Matthew Stafford last week, and then Jim Caldwell says he's still the starter. Caldwell plays the martyr role well.

Jacksonville 37, Houston 17 -- You'd think that if the other team continues to eleven-team J.J. Watt on every play, at some point someone else on the Texans' defense would make a play.

Minnesota 22, Kansas City 17 -- Chiefs lose Jamaal Charles for the season just as their wide receivers finally start scoring touchdowns. I guess you could say that's good timing.

N.Y. Jets 17, Washington 16 -- Not sure what'll happen first in D.C.: DeSean Jackson returns from injury or Joe Biden announces whether he's running for president.

Arizona 17, Pittsburgh 14 -- Mike Tomlin has made some interesting decisions as Steelers' coach this year, but suing the Jacksonville Jaguars for fraudulently representing Josh Scobee as a kicker might be the most interesting.

Miami 28, Tennessee 10 -- Interim Dolphins heads coach Dan Campbell, about his debut as a head coach: "Sunday makes me want to throw up." Every Dolphins head coach this century, about coaching the team: "Sunday makes me want to throw up."

Seattle 26, Carolina 3 -- Cam Newton about playing at notoriously loud CenturyLink Field: "Loud is loud." Wrong. In Seattle, loud is accompanied by the smell of Starbucks and marijuana.

Green Bay 34, San Diego 28 -- Chargers almost caught a huge break Monday night, as an extra 18 seconds ran off the clock when it should've been stopped after the kickoff that began Steelers' game-winning drive. Chargers could run all 60 minutes off the clock this week and Aaron Rodgers would still outscore them.

Baltimore 9, Sam Francisco 7 -- When Jim Harbaugh was still coaching the 49ers, this game was called the Harbaugh Bowl and Super Bowl XLVII. Now it's called An NFL Game Between Two Shitty Teams.

New England 38, Indianapolis 17 -- Colts angrily file another complaint with the NFL, saying Tom Brady not drinking Coca-Cola or eating Frosted Flakes constitutes an unfair competitive advantage.

N.Y. Giants 27, Philadelphia 0 -- Chip Kelly says he hasn't been contacted about newly vacant USC coaching job. Fine. But why did he ask Lincoln Financial Field stadium crew to play "Tribute to Troy" after every Eagles' first down?


2015 SEASON: 45-32

2014 AFTER WEEK 5: 46-30

Thursday, October 8, 2015

2015 Week 5 NFL Predictions: Back in the Saddle Again Edition

Two solid weeks in a row. I followed up  a 12-4 Week 3 with a 12-3 Week 4.

This week's picks:

Houston 31, Indianapolis 27 -- Through four weeks, Texans giving up an average of 27 points per game, and surrendered 48 to Atlanta last week. Is JJ Watt overrated, or would the Texans' defense be historically bad without him? This week could be an interesting test, as Colts may be wheeling out a third-string quarterback in Houston.

Atlanta 24, Washington 17 -- I went back and forth over the Falcons-Texans game last week, agonized over it, finally settled on Atlanta, totally felt like I made a mistake with that pick, and Falcons win 48-21. I feel more confident about Atlanta this week, which of course means they'll lose.

Baltimore 26, Cleveland 21 -- That botched fake field goal that John Harbaugh called last Thursday night was ill-advised and should've cost Baltimore the game. But I think Harbaugh crossed the line when he sent Mike Tomlin a note thanking Tomlin for all of his bad calls.

Seattle 17, Cincinnati 10 -- Seahawks got big break at end of Lions game Monday on botched fumble call in the end zone. This Sunday, they'll get a big break when officials flag Cincinnati's Ickey Woods for doing the Ickey Shuffle 25 years after the fact.

Green Bay 23, St. Louis 20 -- Rams: beat Seattle and Arizona, lose to Washington. Go figure.

Kansas City 31, Chicago 28 -- Bears: finally won a game Sunday and prevented Oakland from starting 3-1. Now they return to being the Bears and prevent Chiefs from dropping to 1-4.

New Orleans 15, Philadelphia 10 -- Eagles coach Chip Kelly says Philadelphia is "two kicks away from being 3-1." Fine. But I think Kelly's plotting the Super Bowl champions parade route through the streets of downtown Philly was a little presumptive.

Jacksonville 24, Tampa Bay 23 -- LAST WEEK: Friend, to me: "WTF? Didn't Tampa Bay and Carolina just play a couple of weeks ago?" Me: "No, that was Carolina and Jacksonville." THIS WEEK: Friend, to me: "Wait, Tampa Bay's playing itself this week?" After awhile, all the shitty Florida NFL teams just sort of blend together, Part 2.

Buffalo 48, Tennessee 17 -- Maybe Rex Ryan should've considered kissing Tom Coughlin's rings.

Arizona 24, Detroit 7 -- Maybe I'm misremembering things, but I feel like when the Cardinals sucked they still always beat the crap out of the Lions, so why should it be any different now?

New England 48, Dallas 27 -- Conversation in August: "One of the starting quarterbacks will miss the Patriots-Cowboys game." Tom Brady? WRONG!

Denver 16, Oakland 13 -- Just think: if it wasn't for a last-second field goal by Chicago last Sunday, this game would've been for first place in the AFC West.

N.Y. Giants 20, San Francisco 6 -- Is it too early to start flexing bad games out of Sunday night?

Pittsburgh 31, San Diego 16 -- Going forward, Mike Tomlin blames all bad coaching decisions of Patriots radio broadcast pre-empting his headset feed.




Wednesday, September 30, 2015

2015 NFL Week 4 Predictions: Running Up the Score Edition

True to last year's form, I rebounded big-time in Week 3 -- 12-4. I don't know what it is with the first two weeks of the NFL season, but I can never get the picks right. Maybe I should pretend Week 1 is really Week 3.

This week's picks:

Ravens 17, Steelers 14 -- Let's see, do I pick the team that whines about getting skunked by covering Patriots' receivers playing ineligible positions, or the team that whines about their headsets getting the Patriots' radio feed in the rain?

Jets 21, Dolphins 17 -- Really? I have to set my alarm for 9am on a Sunday to watch this game?

Atlanta 26, Houston 16 -- Falcons: 3-0, and they won't play a team currently posting a winning record until Thanksgiving weekend. I'm just not sold on Atlanta yet, but I'm also not sold on a team that keeps throwing ex-Tom Brady backup QBs against the wall until one of them sticks, either. Ugh. Life is full of dilemmas.

Buffalo 17, N.Y. Giants 14 -- In the middle of a press conference about the Giants and QB Eli Manning, Rex Ryan abruptly changes the subject to rant about how "the Patriots tried to embarrass us" two weeks ago. It's official: Rex Ryan is the Patriots' obsessed ex-girlfriend.

Chicago 24, Oakland 10 -- With a win, the Raiders would be 3-1. Raiders? 3-1? What kind of bizarro world am I living in?

Cincinnati 21, Kansas City 17 -- On Monday night, Chiefs got first TD reception from a wide receiver since 2013 season. Still lost. Maybe Kansas City should go to the 1930s single-wing formation.

Indianapolis 43, Jacksonville 14 -- Jaguars, down 37-10 against New England, ran a fake punt on 4th-and-8 from their own 20-yard line. It didn't work, Patriots scored a TD a few plays later to go up 44-10, and now the entire league has seen the only trick play in Jacksonville's play book.

Carolina 20, Tampa Bay 7 -- Friend, to me: "WTF? Didn't Tampa Bay and Carolina just play a couple of weeks ago?" Me: "No, that was Carolina and Jacksonville." After awhile, all the shitty Florida NFL teams just sort of blend together.

Philadelphia 17, Washington 12 -- Philadelphia coach Chip Kelly wants final say over personnel decisions. Fine. But is Benjamin Franklin really the Eagles' answer at quarterback?

San Diego 30, Cleveland 24 -- At press conference, Browns coach Mike Pettine said "there's no rift in the Browns' locker room." Translation: "There's a rift in the Browns' locker room."

Arizona 37, St. Louis 13 -- Rams coach Jeff Fisher really should shave his mustache. It makes him look like he's 115 years old.

Denver 23, Minnesota 20 -- I'm pissed at the Chiefs for extending Peyton Manning's career.

Green Bay 27, San Francisco 10 -- Old Conventional Wisdom: Green bay defense can't contain Colin Kaepernick. New CW: Colin Kaepernick can't contain Colin Kaepernick from throwing multiple interceptions per game.

New Orleans 38, Dallas 17 -- 2014 on Sunday Night Football: Cowboys 38, Saints 17. 2013 on Sunday Night Football: Saints 49, Cowboys 17. You'd think NBC would take the hint and give up on matching up these two teams on Sunday Night Football.

Seattle 28, Detroit 16 -- "Hi, I'm Matthew Stafford, and I have DirecTV." "And I'm Underachieving, Horrible-In-The-Clutch Matthew Stafford, and I have cable."