Thursday, November 26, 2015

2015 NFL Week 12 Predictions -- Thanksgiving Edition

Much better week last week -- 9-5. I was 3-5 in the 1pm Sunday games and undefeated at all other times.

Happy Thanksgiving! This week's picks:

Philadelphia 13, Detroit 11 -- This game should be more comical than the Snoopy-lawnchair brawl.

Carolina 24, Dallas 20 -- THIS WEEK: 10-0 Carolina was a betting underdog against 3-7 Dallas. NEXT WEEK: Panthers will be underdogs against Charlie Brown's baseball team.

Green Bay 17, Chicago 3 -- Can't wait for Brett Favre to announce he's coming out of retirement.

Atlanta 24, Minnesota 14 -- I'm giving the Falcons one last chance to pull their heads out of their asses before I give up on them completely.

Cincinnati 24, St. Louis 10 -- First meeting between these two teams since Harvey Dahl became a YouTube legend. (NSFW)

Houston 23, New Orleans 10 -- Probably will regret this pick, because I feel like the winner if the AFC South is destined to have a losing record this year.

Indianapolis 31, Tampa Bay 28 -- Colts file a complaint with the NFL, claiming that Buccaneers arrived at the game with undercooked turkeys.

Jacksonville 24, San Diego 17 -- Jaguars are legitimately in the mix for the AFC South title. That can't possibly last, can it?

Kansas City 54, Buffalo 31 -- Chiefs are legitimately in the mix for an AFC wild-card berth. That can't possibly last, can it?

N.Y. Jets 20, Miami 3 -- DOLPHINS, LAST WEEK'S GOAL: End a streak of three consecutive games with a Ryan Tannehill-involved safety. RESULT: No safeties, but Tannehill threw an interception that was returned for a touchdown. THIS WEEK'S GOAL: Get Dolphins' Thanksgiving dinner ready early so there's no waiting. RESULT: Dinner ready on time, but the lawnchair from A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving shows up to kick the crap out of the Dolphins.

Oakland 23, Tennessee 19 -- Just think, a couple of weeks ago people were using the words "Raiders" and "playoffs" in the same sentence.

N.Y. Giants 23, Washington 19 -- For the rest of the season, Tom Coughlin vows to employ clock management in the game's final two minutes without his head up his ass.

Arizona 27, San Francisco 6 -- NFL unveils the new Colin Kaepernick Injured Reserve List: after you get hurt, you're allowed to play for six more weeks.

Seattle 13, Pittsburgh 9 -- Seahawks haven't scored a point against the Steelers since the third quarter of Super Bowl XL (10 years, two full games + one quarter).

New England 34, Denver 31 -- If the Patriots suffer any more wide receiver injuries they may have to re-sign Deion Branch.

Cleveland 33, Baltimore 30 -- The only thing worse than watching this game: watching this game while listening to Jon Gruden.


2015 TO DATE: 92-68

2014 AFTER WEEK 11: 106-55

Thursday, November 19, 2015

2015 NFL Week 11 Predictions

Well, I had a horrible week -- 5-9. I'm sure everyone did though. I mean, who would expect this horrible Lions team to be the first to win a game in Green Bay since the Revolutionary War? Or a Texans team that finished the game with a backup QB who wasn't even on the team a couple of weeks ago would beat the previously undefeated Bengals? Or that Peyton Manning would be benched for the first time in his career?

Oh well. This week's picks:

Jacksonville 24, Tennessee 14 -- Titans vs. Jaguars: the most compelling argument yet against Thursday Night Football.

Atlanta 17, Indianapolis 7 -- Hillary Clinton gave a speech sponsored by the law firm that worked on the Deflategate investigation. I didn't realize she hated the Patriots so much.

St. Louis 33, Baltimore 22 -- Because of a depleted offensive line, Patriots have used TE Michael Williams in spot duty on the offensive line the past couple of weeks. John Harbaugh is having a hissy-fit over this.

Carolina 20, Washington 17 -- In 11 all-time meetings, the final score between these two teams has been 20-17 four times. What the hell, why not one more?

Denver 17, Chicago 12 -- First game for Bears coach John Fox and QB Jay Cutler against their former team -- that is, unless Cutler gets hurt during pre-game warm-ups.

Oakland 28, Detroit 14 -- At least or one week, Matthew Stafford wasn't the worst QB in the NFC North.

N.Y. Jets 30, Houston 27 -- An injured Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. a guy who wasn't with the Texans three weeks ago. This is not exactly Brady vs. Manning.

Dallas 20, Miami 14 -- DAN CAMPBELL'S GOAL LAST WEEK: Get Dolphins to make it through the entire game without Ryan Tannehill giving up a safety. RESULT: Tannehill sacked in the end zone for a safety 5 minutes into the game. DAN CAMPBELL'S GOAL THIS WEEK: Try out a new macaroni-and-cheese recipe. RESULT: Dolphins team headquarters burns to the ground.

Philadelphia 20, Tampa Bay 10 -- If Mark Sanche starts for Eagles, all bets are off.

Kansas City 22, San Diego 7 -- Philip Rivers is no Brock Osweiler.

Green Bay 31, Minnesota 3 -- First place is on the line in the NFC North. Hard to believe Minnesota got bundled on Opening Night by the 49ers.

Seattle 20, San Francisco 14 -- Seattle's seqeuence of wins and losses: Loss, Loss, Win, Win, Loss, Loss, Win, Win, Loss. Based on that pattern I'd say they're destined to lose again, except that they're playing the 49ers.

Arizona 35, Cincinnati 27 -- After beating the Bengals, JJ Watt called Andy "Red Rifle" Dalton the "Red Ryder BB Gun." It gets even more awkward Sunday night when Dalton accidentally shoots his eye out.

New England 27, Buffalo 24 -- Rex Ryan must have a stiffy the size of Rhode Island by now.


2015: 83-63

2014 AFTER WEEK 10: 97-50

Thursday, November 12, 2015

2015 Week 10 NFL Predictions: Super Bowl Rematch Edition

Finished a mediocre 7-6 last week, no thanks to the Chargers, who are quietly having an awful year. I hate the Chargers though so I’m not complaining.

This week's picks:

N.Y. Jets 34, Buffalo 12 – Rex Ryan rolls himself out as game captain for the pre-game coin toss.

Baltimore 30, Jacksonville 3 – Both teams suck. That is all.


Green Bay 40, Detroit 14 – Lions haven’t beaten Green Bay in Lambeau since like 1814, and that probably won’t change when you hire a new offensive coordinator named Jim Bob Cooter.

Philadelphia 17, Miami 7 – Rebuilding a team takes small steps. Dolphins goal this week: go through the entire game without a shotgun snap going over Ryan Tannehill’s head for a safety.

Pittsburgh 34, Cleveland 21 – At this rate, Ben Roethlisberger should take the rest of the year off.


St. Louis 20, Chicago 12 – Jay Cutler is now the Bears’ all-time leader in touchdown passes. That’s like Rob Schneider being the all-time leader in Academy Awards for Best Actor.

Dallas 13, Tampa Bay 9 – Maybe Greg Hardy shouldn’t be on Twitter.

Carolina 30, Tennessee 3 – Wait…why does Carolina get two bye weeks?

New Orleans 27, Washington 24 – After Washington receivers dropped about 200 passes vs. Patriots last week, Jay Gruden moved them all to defensive back for the rest of the season.

Minnesota 31, Oakland 20 – Raiders linebacker Ray-Ray Armstrong could face felony charges after taunting a Pittsburgh Police Department K-9 before Sunday’s Steelers game. I don’t see any need to add further pressure to overcrowded prisons – playing for the Raiders is punishment enough.

Denver 49, Kansas City 29 – After receiving a one-game suspension for poking the eye of Colts’ TE Dwayne Allen, Aqib Talib will spend this game poking everyone on Facebook.


New England 24, N.Y. Giants 20 – The concept of Patriots playing the Giants while undefeated makes me nauseous.

Arizona 36, Seattle 18 – Seahawks’ sequence of wins and losses in 2015: Loss, Loss, Win, Win, Loss, Loss, Win, Win. Well I guess we know how this game will end.

Cincinnati 34, Houston 27 – Texans’ defense might have better results if they didn’t send JJ Watt into that forest to chop wood.


2015: 78-54

2014 THROUGH WEEK 9: 86-48



Thursday, November 5, 2015

NFL Week 9 Predictions: Bugged Locker Room Edition

Getting back into the swing of things – since Week 2 I’m now 58-29 (.667) in my picks. And I don’t even have the help of the Patriots’ secret listening devices.

This week's picks:

Cincinnati 29, Cleveland 26 – That Browns fan judge from those NFL Network commercials should have all her rulings overturned on appeal.

Buffalo 30, Miami 24 – Rex Ryan has a habit of trolling the other team in naming his pre-game captains. He should troll the Dolphins by naming as captain the early-season Bills team that was actually kinda good.

Green Bay 38, Carolina 17 – Are we sure that was Aaron Rodgers last Sunday night vs. Denver and not a 157-year-old Brett Favre sneaking out of retirement?


St. Louis 23, Minnesota 21 – The Vikings are now one game behind Green Bay for first place in the NFC North. Imagine if they hadn’t laid an egg on Opening Night vs. San Francisco?


New England 52, Washington 7 – Overheard in the Redskins locker room, courtesy of Patriots’ listening devices: “Can you believe we’re still in the thick of things in the NFC East? What a joke this division is!”


New Orleans 23, Tennessee 10 – Dolphins: fire head coach, beat the crap out of Tennessee the following week. Titans: fire head coach, still suck the following week.


N.Y. Jets 24, Jacksonville 22 – NFL Network show host: “Can Blake Bortles do to the Jets what Derek Carr did to them last week?” Commentator: “Probably not.” Well, then….


Pittsburgh, 20, Oakland 13 – Steelers: 2-2 with Ben Roethlisberger, 2-2 without. Hmmm….


Atlanta 20, San Francisco 16 – Atlanta: 6-2, would be 3-5 if their schedule wasn’t loaded up with Division II football teams.

N.Y. Giants 22, Tampa Bay 20 – I rarely agree with Roger Goodell, but I think his decision to reject the Buccaneers’ petition to realign to the NFC East was sound.

Denver 55, Indianapolis 23 – This game could determine whether Chuck Pagano stays on as head coach. You know what that means….more fake punts!


Philadelphia 20, Dallas 16 – After Tony Romo went down, I feel like Cowboys would’ve been better served if they had gone with Artsy Craftsy Tony Romo at QB.


San Diego 20, Chicago 7 – Can they start flexing Monday night games too?



2015: 71-48

2014 THROUGH WEEK 8: 77-44