This is the worst time of year. Not because of all the snow. It's because it's All-Star season. Today both the NHL All-Star Game and Pro Bowl were held. In a few weeks the NBA will follow with its All-Star Game.
I won't beat around the bush. I think all-star games suck. Sports leagues continue to try to reinvent them, but to me they're beyond redemption.
Today's games were a classic example. In an effort to shake things up, the NHL made the baffling decision, rather than pit the Eastern and Western Conference like they usually do (or North America vs. World as has been done in some past Olympic years), the league voted Nicklas Lidstrom and Eric Stall as captains who then handpicked "fantasy" teams based on fan voting for the top six players and league selection for the remaining all-stars. Then the game is scheduled on the Vs. Network at 4pm. The Bruins' Tim Thomas and Zdeno Chara played on opposite teams, which is also silly. Thus the all-star game pits Team Lidstrom and Team Stall.
What is this, Twilight?
(For the record, I'm told Team Lidstrom won 11-10.)
The Pro Bowl is equally ridiculous. The league wants to set up a high-scoring shootout. The problem with football is that you have 45-man rosters (53 if you count the practice squad) and there are so many moving parts it's impossible to build a cohesive team in a week, let alone a smooth offense. So they set up rules (no blitzing, zone defense only, etc.). But it just makes the game silly. It certainly doesn't help that the NFC was up 42-0 with 5 minutes left in the first half. It was actually pretty amazing that the AFC made the final score look competitive (NFC 55, AFC 41).
Even the baseball All-Star Game, while it has some venerable-ness to it, is silly. Players get one at-bat, maybe two, starting and relief pitchers both get one inning on the mound. And Bud Selig had the silly foresight to make the All-Star game determine home-field advantage, unlike every other league, which awards home-field to the team with the best record (the Super Bowl is a best-of-one, so I like that the NFL goes neutral-site).
Anyway, I don't expect all-star games to be abolished. I'm sure they make money for the league. But they're not worth watching. A total snoozer.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
SyFy Pictures Original: Mega Python vs. Gatoroid
Curse you, SyFy Channel! You always schedule your top-notch original monster movies on the Saturday nights when I actually have plans. This means that when I get home, I have to stay awake from 1-3am to watch the rebroadcast of Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (which should be subtitled Debbie Gibson vs. Tiffany, as the two former teen pop divas star in it).
Thus, here I am, Coca-Cola in hand, trying to inject myself with caffeine. What follows is a running commentary, for as long as I can keep myself awake.
1:01 a.m. – Here’s Debbie Gibson stealing a python. (An aside: Debbie Gibson is still very cute.)
1:04 a.m. – Debbie G. just let the python loose. Nothing bad can come of this, right?
1:06 a.m. – Tiffany shows up as the Everglades park ranger, telling some hicks the gator population is down and there will be no hunting permits issued this season. (An aside: Tiffany is still very pretty. That said, I’d say Debbie is more toned. I think I’m solidly behind Team Debbie.)
1:16 a.m. – Debbie Gibson to Tiffany: “Oooh, somebody had bitch for breakfast.” Tremendous line.
1:30 a.m. – OK, after nearly 15 minutes without Debbie or Tiffany, who must be in the trailer powdering their respective noses (big disappointment, I’m getting impatient), Tiffany finally shows up, walkie-talkie-ing to her fiancée as he becomes Python Chow.
1:33 a.m. – Now fiancée-less Tiffany to Debbie: “You crazy, cold-blooded, snake-loving bitch.” Debbie to Tiffany: “I think you’re alone now.” It’s only January, but that could be the Quote of the Year.
1:39 a.m. – Seriously? There was a New York City premiere of this movie?
1:52 a.m. – Debbie Gibson is stalked by giant gator. Fortunately, the gator got Debbie’s assistant instead. (Things might’ve ended on a less tragic note if they hadn’t run right into the gator’s path.)
1:58 a.m. – We’re about halfway through now, and I gotta admit, while it’s fun to watch Debbie and Tiffany, the movie itself is kinda dragging. Not sure how much longer I’ll be able to hang in there.
2:00 a.m. – Check that. Things just got interesting again. Debbie Gibson just got attacked in the water by one of the gatoroid, barely escaping with her T-shirt and short shorts.
2:14 a.m. – So, lemme get this straight. We got us some Tyrannosaurus-sized pythons and gators and Tiffany refuses to call in the National Guard.
2:17 a.m. – Tiffany to Debbie: “What the hell are you doing in my VIP tent? Only in your dreams.” Are they fighting gators and pythons or jockeying for position at the Grammies? And with that, the best fight scene in history begins, smearing cake and spilling wine all over each other’s nice dresses. The fight spills over into the nearby pond, where gators and pythons await.
2:23 a.m. – Oddly enough, while Debbie and Tiffany are standing in the pond in drenched dressed, the killer reptiles have decided to join the festivities in the party tent. “I think we’re alone now,” Debbie tells Tiffany. The cheese factor has spiked to 27.
2:30 a.m. – Still soaked, out fearless duo are in a Jeep with a herpetologist, chasing after the reptiles, which are now running amok on the way to Miami. They seem to have resolved whatever differences they had and join forces to kill all the reptiles. This is progress. Team Debbie/Python and Team Tiffany/Gator just weren’t cutting it.
2:34 a.m. – Whoops, I spoke too soon. They’re bickering again. By the way, Florida’s the flattest state in America, yet somehow Debbie has to go into a mountainous cave to kill all the python eggs. Does anyone else find this odd?
2:43 a.m. – Someone has just Tweeted “I wanna supersize Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.” Tremendous.
2:46 a.m. – Climax: Debbie is in the cave, trying to light dynamite to kill the eggs. Meanwhile, Tiffany has to lead the mama reptiles away from the nuclear reactor. I’m hoping against hope they can pull through.
2:55 a.m. – Shit! (Spoiler alert!) Tiffany just became lunch for one of the gators. I really thought she was gonna pull through. Interestingly enough, my TV listings say this movie continues until 3:04 a.m.
2:58 a.m. -- Tiffany and Debbie, who have been giving running commentary coming out of every SyFy commercial break, chime in during the final break. "What! I'm dead?" Tiffany says. "I thought I was the star."
3:01 a.m. -- Big explosion, and snake and gator body parts are all over the place. Debbie has survived. But no! One lone python (spoiler alert!) snaps Debbie in two. Holy shit this sucks!
3:03 a.m. -- Tiffany and Debbie get an estuary named after them. The end. Holy shit. Tragic ending. And with that, I'm off to bed. Good night.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Snow Etiquette
It's been a snowy month. But this isn't our first rodeo, people. We've had snow before.
Therefore, I present handy rules of snow etiquette:
1) When one is in the midst of steering their vehicle around a 7-foot-high snowbank, out of a parking lot or side street and is halfway onto the main road, do not attempt to pull into said parking lot or side street while driving full speed, as if there were no snow out. When the said person is already halfway out onto the main road, all you're doing is blocking their access onto the road, and when you sit there with that blank stare, as if you don't understand why they don't want to bang their car into reverse, back into the parking lot or side street, and just start over again, you just look like a total jackass.
2) When one is digging their car out of a parking spot, don't hover behind them in your car with your motor running, asking them to move the chair or other object out of a parking spot that you particularly like even though there are 17 other available spots. It may be cold and heartless, but under those circumstances they're gonna say no.
Now back to regularly scheduled programming.
Therefore, I present handy rules of snow etiquette:
1) When one is in the midst of steering their vehicle around a 7-foot-high snowbank, out of a parking lot or side street and is halfway onto the main road, do not attempt to pull into said parking lot or side street while driving full speed, as if there were no snow out. When the said person is already halfway out onto the main road, all you're doing is blocking their access onto the road, and when you sit there with that blank stare, as if you don't understand why they don't want to bang their car into reverse, back into the parking lot or side street, and just start over again, you just look like a total jackass.
2) When one is digging their car out of a parking spot, don't hover behind them in your car with your motor running, asking them to move the chair or other object out of a parking spot that you particularly like even though there are 17 other available spots. It may be cold and heartless, but under those circumstances they're gonna say no.
Now back to regularly scheduled programming.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
American Idol Season 10
I wasn't sure what to make of all the changes this season on "American Idol." I think it was good for Ellen DeGeneres to go -- DeGeneres is talented in many things but judging singers is not one of them. I thought Kara DioGuardi was a great judge (as well as great eye candy) and was crushed when she decided not to return.
But I feared the biggest loss was Simon Cowell. I don't blame him for leaving. I mean, he had to sit through thousands of hours of horrible interviews -- we only saw the highlights. But I wondered if the show would be the same with Randy Jackson as the only remaining original judge.
We're only two weeks in, so it's still early, but I've been pleasantly surprised with Season 10. The two new judges are great. Jennifer Lopez is tough but honest. She also fulfills the eye candy role vacated by DioGuardi. Steven Tyler is most definitely not eye candy, but he's also a smart judge who has a surprising range considering he's been a rocker his whole career. And he's also kinda creepy when the younger women audition, which is entertaining.
I think what I like the most is that the three of them are all more of less equals. Nobody is the Simon Cowell dickhead or the Paula Abdul softie (Tyler is probably the closest to being too lenient). They all have their moments.
And what really clinches it for me is that, at the end of the day, the entertaining part of the show is the singers. Not the good singers, because I don't care about them, but the bad singers, and most of all the bad singers who don't understand how bad they are and have hissy fits when they can't understand why they just got three "No's." For that alone, I'll keep watching.
But I feared the biggest loss was Simon Cowell. I don't blame him for leaving. I mean, he had to sit through thousands of hours of horrible interviews -- we only saw the highlights. But I wondered if the show would be the same with Randy Jackson as the only remaining original judge.
We're only two weeks in, so it's still early, but I've been pleasantly surprised with Season 10. The two new judges are great. Jennifer Lopez is tough but honest. She also fulfills the eye candy role vacated by DioGuardi. Steven Tyler is most definitely not eye candy, but he's also a smart judge who has a surprising range considering he's been a rocker his whole career. And he's also kinda creepy when the younger women audition, which is entertaining.
I think what I like the most is that the three of them are all more of less equals. Nobody is the Simon Cowell dickhead or the Paula Abdul softie (Tyler is probably the closest to being too lenient). They all have their moments.
And what really clinches it for me is that, at the end of the day, the entertaining part of the show is the singers. Not the good singers, because I don't care about them, but the bad singers, and most of all the bad singers who don't understand how bad they are and have hissy fits when they can't understand why they just got three "No's." For that alone, I'll keep watching.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Super Bowl XX Rematch at Shaw's Supermarket
In this years’ playoffs, The Patriots and Bears failed to make good on the possibility of the rematch of Super Bowl XX. But yesterday, 25 years to the day of that fateful game, there was an epic battle between a Patriots fan (me) and a Bears fan.
I was at Shaw’s supermarket yesterday morning, stocking up for the coming storm. I went to the deli and the meat department and was rounding my way to the produce aisle when I heard wheels creaking next to me. Seconds later, a carriage hip-checked me. I look up and saw the operator of the carriage was a guy in a Chicago Bears winter jacket, radio buds in his ears and face-down rummaging through his groceries.
The guy clearly wasn’t paying attention – were I not in the way to stop him, he would’ve been on a collision course with a cooler of Van de Kamp’s fish sticks. I didn’t think much of it and continued toward the produce department, until, second later, I heard behind me….
“Asshole.”
I turned and saw Bears Guy head around the corner. I followed him around the corner and said, “Excuse me?”
“Thanks for bumping into me and not saying you’re sorry, asshole,” Bears Guy said.
“No, ya got it all wrong, pal,” I said, “You bumped into me. Maybe if you’d look up, pull the radio out of your ear and your head out of your ass, you’d have seen me.”
At this, Bears Guy freezes, as if he a) didn’t realize how loud his “asshole” comment was with the radio in his ear, b) thought I wouldn’t confront him about it, or c) all of the above. He turns and quickly runs away with his carriage to the next aisle, with all the wussiness of Jay Cutler or Tony Eason.
The 2011 NFL Playoffs were disappointing for Patriots fans everywhere, no doubt. But yesterday was a great moment of redemption. It took 25 years, but I was able to avenge the Patriots’ loss in Super Bowl XX to the Bears.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Ficton -- It's All Subjective
Everyone has different tastes in writing. I've read commercially and critically successful novels that I thought really sucked.
This brings me to an interesting moment from earlier this month at my residency in the Fairfield University MFA program. The topic meandered to current Pulitzer Prize-winning novel "Tinkers." Despite the awards and fanfare, our program director is not a fan of this novel.
Which is fine. I've read "Tinkers." While I enjoyed it, I'll admit it's not an easy book to get into. It takes a full commitment. And it's certainly not the type of novel I would write.
Here's the irony. "Tinkers" is written by Paul Harding, who at the time of its publication taught a couple of fiction classes I took at Harvard Extension School before I enrolled in Fairfield's MFA. When I told him I was applying to MFA programs, he generously agreed to write a recommendation for me.
So, while I don't write like Paul Harding, and our program director may not like his novel, there's a good chance I wouldn't be enrolled at Fairfield's MFA program without Paul's recommendation. Maybe that's bad for Fairfield's reputation as a program, but it just goes to show that fiction writing is all subjective.
This brings me to an interesting moment from earlier this month at my residency in the Fairfield University MFA program. The topic meandered to current Pulitzer Prize-winning novel "Tinkers." Despite the awards and fanfare, our program director is not a fan of this novel.
Which is fine. I've read "Tinkers." While I enjoyed it, I'll admit it's not an easy book to get into. It takes a full commitment. And it's certainly not the type of novel I would write.
Here's the irony. "Tinkers" is written by Paul Harding, who at the time of its publication taught a couple of fiction classes I took at Harvard Extension School before I enrolled in Fairfield's MFA. When I told him I was applying to MFA programs, he generously agreed to write a recommendation for me.
So, while I don't write like Paul Harding, and our program director may not like his novel, there's a good chance I wouldn't be enrolled at Fairfield's MFA program without Paul's recommendation. Maybe that's bad for Fairfield's reputation as a program, but it just goes to show that fiction writing is all subjective.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Wishing Good Thoughts
My cousin Elena and I have a lot in common. We're a year-and-a-half apart. We're both only children, so we were basically the siblings each other never had.
And we took that seriously. We fought like siblings throughout childhood. She generally got the worst of it -- she likes to talk about the time I swung her around by her hair, though I maintain I swung her by her ears. I had a lot of trouble getting along with classmates when I was in grade school and I think subliminally I took some of that out on her. Certainly a lousy excuse. I proved I was the less mature of the two of us.
Simply put, Elena hasn't always had the easiest life and yet she's always been a trooper. Yesterday she underwent surgery. I haven't talked to her, so I'm hearing this second-hand, but they're watching her carefully. Hopefully in a few hours they'll move her to a room, and that she's well on her way to recovery. She deserves it.
And we took that seriously. We fought like siblings throughout childhood. She generally got the worst of it -- she likes to talk about the time I swung her around by her hair, though I maintain I swung her by her ears. I had a lot of trouble getting along with classmates when I was in grade school and I think subliminally I took some of that out on her. Certainly a lousy excuse. I proved I was the less mature of the two of us.
Simply put, Elena hasn't always had the easiest life and yet she's always been a trooper. Yesterday she underwent surgery. I haven't talked to her, so I'm hearing this second-hand, but they're watching her carefully. Hopefully in a few hours they'll move her to a room, and that she's well on her way to recovery. She deserves it.
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