Wednesday, October 1, 2014

NFL Week 5 Predictions

Week 5 was was my second consecutive winning week. I was actually a pretty gaudy 8-3 until the Saints and Patriots royally sucked in their respective Sunday and Monday night games. Oh well.

Here are this week's picks:

Packers 37, Vikings 24 -- Packers insist former Green Bay wideout Greg Jennings looks like "the Greg Jennings of three years ago." Continuing the theme, Pack and Vikings trot out Brett Favre and Fran Tarkenton as starting quarterbacks for this game.

Panthers 23, Bears 6 -- Because Jay Cutler's meltdowns are more spectacular than Cam Newton's.

Cowboys 34, Texans 6 -- Barring a tie, one of these teams will be 4-1 after this game. The last time they met in the regular season, it was Wade Phillips' last win before the Cowboys fired him. For that completely irrelevant reason (and because all the Tony Romo jokes are on hold until his next bad game), I'll give Dallas the edge.

Lions 22, Bills 13 -- EJ Manuel gets benched for Kyle Orton, the guy who got benched for Tim Tebow. Actually, Orton is one of those classic good/bad QBs, which means Buffalo could rattle off 8 straight -- wins or losses.

Colts 22, Ravens 20 -- After beating Carolina, Ravens WR Steve Smith tells his former team to "mow his lawn." This week he tells Colts to "take out the garbage, do the dishes and shovel his car out of the snow."

Steelers 26, Jaguars 21 -- The bad Florida teams are lining up trap games for Pittsburgh: next week Steelers play Florida International University.

Saints 20, Buccaneers 17 -- We're secretly switching Saints' normal defense with Folgers' crystals; nobody notices the difference.

Giants 34, Falcons 20 -- At work tonight, ran into a young woman who's a Giants fan. Told her I hate the Giants. But she was cute. I don't hate the Falcons in any way, but did not run into any cute Falcons fans tonight. So, Giants is the pick.

Eagles 34, Rams 3 -- One more loss and the Rams will be relegated to the Canadian Football League.

Browns 31, Titans 10 -- Imagine if you told Johnny Manziel on Draft Night that it'd be Week 5 and he's still not the Browns' starting QB.....

Broncos 37, Cardinals 20 -- Arizona: one of two remaining unbeaten teams (did you ever think you'd see that sentence written?). Would love to see Cardinals pull this off, but some things in life are too good to be true.

Chargers 25, Jets 10 -- That awkward moment when Jets fans kinda-sorta wish Mark Sanchez was still the starting QB.

49ers 26, Chiefs 13 -- San Francisco dominated Philly last week, but gave up three non-offensive TDs and had to come from behind late to win. If they fall behind again, Jim Harbaugh may set Levi's Stadium on fire.

Patriots 27, Bengals 21 -- There's no earthly reason for me to pick New England to win, other than the fact that there's no earthly reason for Cincinnati and Arizona to be the only remaining unbeaten teams.

Seahawks 27, Redskins 17 -- If Kirk Cousins struggles again, maybe next week Rex Grossman will be Redskins' starting QB.



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