Curse you, SyFy Channel! You always schedule your top-notch original monster movies on the Saturday nights when I actually have plans. This means that when I get home, I have to stay awake from 1-3am to watch the rebroadcast of Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (which should be subtitled Debbie Gibson vs. Tiffany, as the two former teen pop divas star in it).
Thus, here I am, Coca-Cola in hand, trying to inject myself with caffeine. What follows is a running commentary, for as long as I can keep myself awake.
1:01 a.m. – Here’s Debbie Gibson stealing a python. (An aside: Debbie Gibson is still very cute.)
1:04 a.m. – Debbie G. just let the python loose. Nothing bad can come of this, right?
1:06 a.m. – Tiffany shows up as the Everglades park ranger, telling some hicks the gator population is down and there will be no hunting permits issued this season. (An aside: Tiffany is still very pretty. That said, I’d say Debbie is more toned. I think I’m solidly behind Team Debbie.)
1:16 a.m. – Debbie Gibson to Tiffany: “Oooh, somebody had bitch for breakfast.” Tremendous line.
1:30 a.m. – OK, after nearly 15 minutes without Debbie or Tiffany, who must be in the trailer powdering their respective noses (big disappointment, I’m getting impatient), Tiffany finally shows up, walkie-talkie-ing to her fiancée as he becomes Python Chow.
1:33 a.m. – Now fiancée-less Tiffany to Debbie: “You crazy, cold-blooded, snake-loving bitch.” Debbie to Tiffany: “I think you’re alone now.” It’s only January, but that could be the Quote of the Year.
1:39 a.m. – Seriously? There was a New York City premiere of this movie?
1:52 a.m. – Debbie Gibson is stalked by giant gator. Fortunately, the gator got Debbie’s assistant instead. (Things might’ve ended on a less tragic note if they hadn’t run right into the gator’s path.)
1:58 a.m. – We’re about halfway through now, and I gotta admit, while it’s fun to watch Debbie and Tiffany, the movie itself is kinda dragging. Not sure how much longer I’ll be able to hang in there.
2:00 a.m. – Check that. Things just got interesting again. Debbie Gibson just got attacked in the water by one of the gatoroid, barely escaping with her T-shirt and short shorts.
2:14 a.m. – So, lemme get this straight. We got us some Tyrannosaurus-sized pythons and gators and Tiffany refuses to call in the National Guard.
2:17 a.m. – Tiffany to Debbie: “What the hell are you doing in my VIP tent? Only in your dreams.” Are they fighting gators and pythons or jockeying for position at the Grammies? And with that, the best fight scene in history begins, smearing cake and spilling wine all over each other’s nice dresses. The fight spills over into the nearby pond, where gators and pythons await.
2:23 a.m. – Oddly enough, while Debbie and Tiffany are standing in the pond in drenched dressed, the killer reptiles have decided to join the festivities in the party tent. “I think we’re alone now,” Debbie tells Tiffany. The cheese factor has spiked to 27.
2:30 a.m. – Still soaked, out fearless duo are in a Jeep with a herpetologist, chasing after the reptiles, which are now running amok on the way to Miami. They seem to have resolved whatever differences they had and join forces to kill all the reptiles. This is progress. Team Debbie/Python and Team Tiffany/Gator just weren’t cutting it.
2:34 a.m. – Whoops, I spoke too soon. They’re bickering again. By the way, Florida’s the flattest state in America, yet somehow Debbie has to go into a mountainous cave to kill all the python eggs. Does anyone else find this odd?
2:43 a.m. – Someone has just Tweeted “I wanna supersize Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.” Tremendous.
2:46 a.m. – Climax: Debbie is in the cave, trying to light dynamite to kill the eggs. Meanwhile, Tiffany has to lead the mama reptiles away from the nuclear reactor. I’m hoping against hope they can pull through.
2:55 a.m. – Shit! (Spoiler alert!) Tiffany just became lunch for one of the gators. I really thought she was gonna pull through. Interestingly enough, my TV listings say this movie continues until 3:04 a.m.
2:58 a.m. -- Tiffany and Debbie, who have been giving running commentary coming out of every SyFy commercial break, chime in during the final break. "What! I'm dead?" Tiffany says. "I thought I was the star."
3:01 a.m. -- Big explosion, and snake and gator body parts are all over the place. Debbie has survived. But no! One lone python (spoiler alert!) snaps Debbie in two. Holy shit this sucks!
3:03 a.m. -- Tiffany and Debbie get an estuary named after them. The end. Holy shit. Tragic ending. And with that, I'm off to bed. Good night.