Thursday, September 10, 2015

2015 Week 1 NFL Predictions: Deflategate Edition

Well that was an interesting offseason....

Football is back, which means it's time for me to put my absurdist spin on the coming week's games. Last year, after a dreadful first couple of weeks (13-19), I finished the season at a .693 clip.

Probably can't improve upon or even duplicate that feat, but that doesn't mean I can't have fun trying. Here we go:

New England 30, Pittsburgh 14 -- BREAKING NEWS: ESPN story blows the lid open on newest scandal, quotes unnamed league sources as saying Patriots responsible for Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown right before he kicks it.

Indianapolis 31, Buffalo 14 -- ....that awkward moment when Colts file a complaint with the NFL accusing new Bills coach Rex Ryan of having his ego "deliberately overinflated to gain an illegal competitive advantage."

Green Bay 38, Chicago 24 -- You know that classic '60s footage of Vince Lombardi breaking down a football play? Little-known fact: Lombardi got all that information by spying on Chicago Bears' practices.

Houston 20, Kansas City 3 -- Given a level playing field, who would win in a sumo wrestling match between Andy Reid and Vince Wilfork?

Carolina 24, Jacksonville 23 -- Now that this new ESPN Spygate report is out, looks like every team has a built-in excuse for losing to the Patriots in a big playoff game.

N.Y. Jets 31, Cleveland 21 -- It's too bad Geno Smith and Johnny Manziel won't be playing, because no QBs had a worse offseason than those two.

St. Louis 28, Seattle 0 -- After his tragic Super Bowl ending, Russell Wilson turns over a new leaf by throwing interceptions in the other 99 yards of the field.

Miami 35, Washington 17 -- If Ndamukong Suh deflated opposing players' heads instead of stomping on them, they guy might have been suspended for his entire pro career.

New Orleans 28, Arizona 17 -- This is the NFL, where the Saints can put bounties on opposing players and nobody cares, but if you deflate a football by 1 psi you deserve lifetime banishment.

San Diego 28, Detroit 23 -- San Diego sports talk radio host says Patriots cheating robbed Chargers of two Super Bowl titles. Actually, Marty Schottenheimer and LaDainian Tomlinson robbed Chargers of two Super Bowl titles.

Denver 49, Baltimore 27 -- In the playoffs last year, the Patriots punk'd Baltimore by lining up running backs and tight ends as offensive lineman. On Opening Day, Broncos will punk Ravens by lining up Peyton Manning at long-snapper.

Oakland 20, Cincinnati 10 -- In response to ESPN story claiming Roger Goodell's prosecution of Deflategate was a "makeup call," Oakland Raiders ask for a makeup call for the past 13 years of bad personnel and coaching decisions.

Tampa Bay 20, Tennessee 0 -- After this weekend's matchup between top two draft picks/rookie QBs Jameis Winston and Marcus Mariota, nobody will care about either of these teams.

N.Y. Giants 45, Dallas 35 -- Jerry Jones: signs Greg Hardy, supports Roger Goodell's 4-game suspension of Tom Brady, which if upheld would've equaled the Hardy suspension for some potentially life-threatening acts. Classy move, Jerry.

Philadelphia 14, Atlanta 10 -- Philadelphia coach Chip Kelly fancies himself as somewhat of a mad genius. Fine. But in my opinion, petitioning the NFL to change the team nickname to the eagle's Latin, scientific name is over the top.

Minnesota 28, San Francisco 21 -- I'll give the NFL this, at least Adrian Peterson got a suspension worthy of the offense.

 LAST YEAR: 185-82, .693 (175-81 regular season, 10-1 playoffs)

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