Leaving the Sandbox

I don't play well in the sandbox.

I'm an only child, so I'm not good at sharing. Growing up, every present under the Christmas tree was mine. At times it can make me come across as selfish and self-centered, but I like things my way when possible.

I bring this up because over the past three months I've lived with roommates, first in one place, then over the past couple of weeks on a farm. After five years of living by myself, in June my lease was up at my old place in Worcester and so I thought I'd give the roommate thing a shot again in an effort to live a little more frugally.

After three months, I've decided I can't do it.

Thursday afternoon I signed a month-to-month lease to live in a one-bedroom apartment in a historic Victorian house in Fitchburg. I'll begin moving as soon as I wake up Friday morning -- my third move in as many months, and second move in as many weeks. Moving sucks. But I've come to the realization that I'm happier and more productive when I live alone.

The apartment is on the third (i.e., top) floor of the house, and because of that the ceilings are kinda low and the windows are situated on the floor. It's oddly quaint and cute, unlike a lot of Fitchburg. (But hey, I survived Worcester, right?) Going forward I'm calling it Fitchburg Gothic, an homage to a line in a friend's novel-in-progress. The house is surrounded by lawyers' and doctors' offices. It's the only residential building on the block. It's only $100 more per month than what I'm paying now, and I've decided I'm willing to make that trade-off.

I've been hinting of late that this blog was coming. Many of you have noticed that my blog and myself have been a little darker of late. Not a coincidence. (This is a suck thing to have to go through, but also all this is  happening during my thesis semester, which sucks even more.) Many of you know that there's more to this story than what I've discussed here. Many of you have also reached out with words of support, often unsolicited, and I can't tell you how much it means to me to realize that I had more friends than I thought. I feel like I alarmed a lot of people, who sent me emails and called me and told me that they were terrified that my life was in danger. I apologize. I never meant to imply that. I was in a dark place and I felt trapped. And when you're in a dark place, sometimes you have to say something but you talk in cryptic code because it's just too painful to say what you really want or need to say.

So we'll see what happens at this new place. Of course, I've said "quaint and cute" to describe places in the past and it hasn't quite worked out. Maybe this place won't work out either. Maybe I'll be moving again in another couple of weeks.

But for now, I've left the sandbox. I get to live by myself again. And I've realized how important that is to me.