Upside-down 2014 NFL Predictions

Last year at this time, I picked the Atlanta Falcons to beat the Houston Texans in the Super Bowl. The two teams combined to win 6 games in 2013.


I couldn't have been more wrong.


But I'll try.


Here are my 2014 NFL season, where for the most part I'll be picking teams that are supposed to suck to make the playoffs, and vice versa.


If that's something you can't handle, then turn your screen upside-down and the football world will return to its proper equilibrium.


Here goes (playoff teams denoted with an *):


AFC EAST
*1) Buffalo Bills
*2) New York Jets
3) Miami Dolphins
4) New England Patriots


AFC NORTH
*1) Cleveland Browns
*2) Baltimore Ravens
3) Cincinnati Bengals
4) Pittsburgh Steelers


AFC SOUTH
*1) Tennessee Titans
2) Jacksonville Jaguars
3) Houston Texans
4) Indianapolis Colts


AFC NORTH
*1) Oakland Raiders
2) Kansas City Chiefs
3) Denver Broncos
4) San Diego Chargers




NFC EAST
*1) Dallas Cowboys
2) Washington Redskins
3) Philadelphia Eagles
4) New York Giants


NFC NORTH
*1) Minnesota Vikings
*2) Chicago Bears
3) Detroit Lions
4) Green Bay Packers


NFC SOUTH
*1) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
*2) Carolina Panthers
3) Atlanta Falcons
4) New Orleans Saints


NFC WEST
*1) St. Louis Rams
2) Arizona Cardinals
3) San Francisco 49ers
4) Seattle Seahawks




AFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Jaguars over Bills
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: Rams over Bears


SUPER BOWL 49: Rams over Jaguars

Taking My Boxes From The Warehouse

In the past I've written about me and my mysterious boxes. And this is going to start off just like one of those blogs, because a couple of weeks ago I got the call from Special Ops.


(Actually, let me back up for a sec. That's not exactly how it happened.)


A couple of weeks ago I got my "special assignment email" for the latest cycle, and there were some new instructions that were foreign to me. So I sent out an email asking "WTF?"


Then, I got the call from Special Ops.


"Phil, we have an 'extra-special new assignment' for you."


This 'extra-special new assignment' required a trip to The Warehouse to grab more boxes. Today, this is the story.


Because to get the boxes, I have to 1) punch in a secret code to enter The Warehouse, 2) unlock the sliding door to the first storage unit, and 3) grab the key that's in the first storage bin to unlock the sliding door to the second storage unit.


And here's the thing: I enter the first storage room and the key to the second storage unit IS NEVER WHERE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS. I look all over for the key, other places where someone might leave it, and I don't see it.


How the hell am I supposed to complete the extra-special assignment?


Screw it. There's actually no wall in between the two units -- only three cumbersome metal bookcases and more boxes (not the boxes I need, unfortunately, a different kind of box). I drag the bookcases out, kick some boxes aside, and, voila, I'm in the second unit.


I take 15 boxes and bring them to my car. And I leave everything askew. Because unfortunately, the next time I need boxes, I'm sure the key to the second unit will still be AWOL.


No wonder people ask if I'm a spy.


 

Talking to the Chest

Once, a girlfriend told me that one of the things she liked about me was, "When we have a conversation, you talk to my eyes, not my chest."


I remember a sense of relief coming over me when she said it, because it honestly was something I'd never consciously paid attention to. But I could imagine how rude it would be, even though it's not something that would ever happen to me.


Or so I thought.


Recently I was outside a fine establishment where I was attending a party, and a young woman I knew came outside to have a smoke. And she started talking to me about some guy who kept talking to her chest.


"I'm sorry," I said. "That must be obnoxious."


"Very obnoxious," she said. "Let me demonstrate."


And so a conversation between the two of us began, throughout which she stared at my chest:


Her: "Hi, Phil, how are you tonight."


Me: "I'm good, you?"


Her: "I'm excellent. The band is great."


Me: "The food here is pretty awesome too."


Her: "Oh yeah, totally. Do you come here often?"


Me: "No, I've driven by before but I've never actually been."


Her: "Well I'm glad you're here. It's always a good time."


I think it was about here where I finally cracked and said, "OK, stop."


I'm sure I've had a handful of moments in my life where my attention has lapsed and I've talked to someone's chest, but I really hope my ex-girlfriend was right. Dealing with it from the other side (even in a half-joking manner as we were), I can now vouch that having someone talk to your chest is extremely uncomfortable.

A Defense of Leominster, and an Indictment of Boring People

A recent list cites Leominster as the most boring place in Massachusetts.


I happened to have had the opportunity to be in Leominster one night recently. I don't think it was the most boring place in Massachusetts.


I saw a band play.


I caught up with some good friends.


I hung out at a fire pit.


Next door to the fire pit was a party that seemed to be raging.


While en route from one venue to another I saw someone being given a sobriety test by police (certainly not acceptable behavior, if indeed the individual didn't pass, but also not boring either).


All in all, it was a fun, non-boring night.


The list in question was comprised by people from San Francisco and only includes the 50 most populous municipalities in Massachusetts. Since Massachusetts has 351 municipalities, the list really can't make a valid claim that Leominster is #1 in boredom when only one-seventh of the cities and towns were included. It also consisted of criteria, some of which, to me, were arbitrary and had nothing to do with whether a community is boring -- for example, population density.


I've had fun camping in the middle of nowhere with only a handful of people around, and I've had fun in a stadium of 70,000 people. Life is what you make of it.


If you're in Leominster, Boston, Pittsfield, New Bedford, or anywhere else, and you're complaining about being bored, look in the mirror. Maybe you're the problem.

My First Good Blog Post

I'm written quite a few random blogs in my day. Sometimes my blogging is more like a freewriting exercise than anything else. Yesterday's blog was a perfect example -- just throw a few sentences together about how I totally forgot that I have Skype, and voila. Quickie blog. Nothing special. Just exercise the writing muscles.


I woke up this morning and found that someone on Twitter (@GoodBlogPosts1) mentioned me and my blog in a tweet. My blog from yesterday was featured on today's front page of The Life Daily. Albeit, buried deep down in the Technology section, you have to scroll down quite a bit for it, but still....


I'm very flattered.


Imagine if I put some effort into these freewriting blogs?

Oh Yeah, I Forgot, I Have Skype

I got an email from Skype the other day, saying that the version of Skype I've been using is headed for that big video conference in the sky and I'd have to upgrade.


And I'm like, "What?! I don't even have Skype?"


Then it dawned on me.


That right! I do have Skype!


I downloaded it a couple of years ago, primarily because someone who wanted to talk to me about a job opening insisted on conducting the interview via Skype. So I tested it with a friend or two and I was more or less successful.


Sometimes I have a bad memory. So I downloaded the new Skype. I wouldn't say I'm a fan of Skype as much as, say, Facebook or Twitter or GChat, but hey you never know when it may come in handy. I do have a few friends on Skype and I can chat with them.


Next time someone wants to interview me for a job on Skype, I'll be ready.

On Whether Or Not a Car Door Is Truly Open

My car started doing something weird recently.


Every time I start the ignition, or accelerate out of a red light, the "Door Open" light goes on. I alluded to this in a recent blog, when I was due for a vehicle inspection and worried this would cause me to get a reject sticker. Obviously it's disconcerting because of the potential safety repercussions. That said, I've leaned on the door [the driver's side front door is the one that is allegedly open] while it was closed and even gone so far as to kick it. Hard. And yet it seems as shut as all the other doors.


So the other day I had an appointment with the dealer for an oil change, and decide to ask them about it. They said they'd take a look.


A service technician comes out a few minutes later.


He asks me, "Do you slam your car door a lot?"


Here's the deal:


My current car (a Honda Civic) is the first foreign-brand car I've ever driven. My experience with all my domestic cars is that they're heavier, which means they have heavier doors, which always compelled me to slam them so that I know they're actually closed. (This slamming-doors habit of mine was once the source of a wicked argument between myself and an ex-girlfriend.)


The ex-girlfriend was right -- I really didn't need to slam car doors back then. And I definitely don't need to do it now. Apparently my constant door-slamming damaged the electronic door sensor.


The dealership repaired the door sensor. My car no longer thinks the car door is open. Problem solved.


Now I need to exercise a little more self-control when shutting car doors.