Thursday, December 10, 2015

NFL 2015 Week 14 Predictions: Pooch/Onside Kick Thingie Edition

My season in a nutshell: For the Redskins-Cowboys game Monday night I wrote “Redskins playing a meaningful game with playoff implications against a weak opponent. So they’ll probably lose.” So of course I pick the Redskins to win anyway. And of course they fulfill my prediction.


This week’s picks:


Arizona 41, Minnesota 17 – No idea who that team was that got throttled last Sunday by the Seahawks, who got beat a couple weeks back by Arizona. Good thing NFL games aren’t decided by rock-paper-scissors.


Seattle 31, Baltimore 24 – This was originally scheduled as this week’s Sunday night game, but because of the Ravens’ horrible season NBC dropped it and flexed in Patriots-Texans. Just one more reason for John Harbaugh to complain about the Patriots.


Carolina 30, Atlanta 20 – Gave up on the Falcons after they lost last week; thought the Panthers’ last chance to lose was vs. Saints last week and Carolina barely escaped. So of course Atlanta will win.


Chicago 24, Washington 16 – At this rate, the NFC East will be won by a team with a 5-10-1 record.


Pittsburgh 42, Cincinnati 21 – A Steelers win helps out the Patriots. Fuck my life.


Cleveland 13, San Francisco 10 – It’s about that time when Johnny Manziel shows “flashes of potential” before personally imploding again.


Jacksonville 44, Indianapolis 17 – At this rate, the AFC South will be won by a team with a 6-9-1 record.


Kansas City 31, San Diego 0 – If this is the Chargers’ farewell season in San Diego, they’re going out in style.


N.Y. Jets 35, Tennessee 10 – THEN: Jets file tampering charges against Patriots for “tampering” with Darrelle Revis, who actually signed with Jets. NOW: Jets file tampering charges against Titans for plagiarizing the Jets’ early 1960s team nickname.


Buffalo 10, Philadelphia 7 – Prediction only good if Rex Ryan elects not to pooch kick.


St. Louis 37, Detroit 16 – Detroit Lions defense: the all-time recipient of the YOU HAD ONE JOB meme.


New Orleans 14, Tampa Bay 7 – I feel like I deserve credit for picking the Saints to beat Carolina last week since the game went down to the wire. Dammit, Saints defense, YOU HAD ONE JOB.


Denver 26, Oakland 13 – A Raiders win helps out the Patriots. Fuck my life.


Green Bay 37, Dallas 27 – On the bright side for the Cowboys, since Tony Romo won’t be playing they don’t have to worry about getting screwed on controversial catch/non-catch calls by the refs.


New England 42, Houston 14 – This game seems like a matchup nightmare for the Patriots. But somehow Belichick excels at the type of game where you’re like, “How can they possibly win.”


N.Y. Giants 23, Miami 13 – New course offering at the University of Phoenix: Fourth-Quarter Offensive Play-Calling 101, with Professor Tom Coughlin. Offered pass/fail.





2015 TO DATE: 110-82


2014 AFTER WEEK 12: 126-66


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