Picture it...I'm on the edge of my seat Monday night around 11:30, obsessing over two football teams I hate (Steelers and Chargers), because the result of the game's final play will determine whether I finish the week with a winning record on my picks. Sucks that my fate rested on whether the Steelers gambling on a play from the Wildcat formation with 5 seconds left would work. Luckily it did.
That said, last year I went 14-1 in Week 5, so I'm suddenly behind the curve. Hopefully I can catch up.
This week's picks:
Falcons 34, Saints 31 -- Falcons: struggled to beat mediocre Redskins team. Saints: got their asses whooped by mediocre Eagles team. This could be the first NFL game ever decided by rock-paper-scissors.
Bills 27, Bengals 24 -- LAST WEEK: Rex Ryan tried to clamp down on Buffalo's penalty problems by forcing team to wear "YES, SIR!" wristbands during game. RESULT: Bills' recovery of Tennessee fumble on opening kickoff nullified by offsides penalty. THIS WEEK: Rex Ryan clamps down on poor eating habits, orders Wendy's Triple Baconator every day at lunch.
Denver 27, Cleveland 0 -- Broncos: one of six undefeated teams, an NFL record heading into Week 6. Browns: still the Cleveland Browns.
Detroit 24, Chicago 7 -- Lions bench Matthew Stafford last week, and then Jim Caldwell says he's still the starter. Caldwell plays the martyr role well.
Jacksonville 37, Houston 17 -- You'd think that if the other team continues to eleven-team J.J. Watt on every play, at some point someone else on the Texans' defense would make a play.
Minnesota 22, Kansas City 17 -- Chiefs lose Jamaal Charles for the season just as their wide receivers finally start scoring touchdowns. I guess you could say that's good timing.
N.Y. Jets 17, Washington 16 -- Not sure what'll happen first in D.C.: DeSean Jackson returns from injury or Joe Biden announces whether he's running for president.
Arizona 17, Pittsburgh 14 -- Mike Tomlin has made some interesting decisions as Steelers' coach this year, but suing the Jacksonville Jaguars for fraudulently representing Josh Scobee as a kicker might be the most interesting.
Miami 28, Tennessee 10 -- Interim Dolphins heads coach Dan Campbell, about his debut as a head coach: "Sunday makes me want to throw up." Every Dolphins head coach this century, about coaching the team: "Sunday makes me want to throw up."
Seattle 26, Carolina 3 -- Cam Newton about playing at notoriously loud CenturyLink Field: "Loud is loud." Wrong. In Seattle, loud is accompanied by the smell of Starbucks and marijuana.
Green Bay 34, San Diego 28 -- Chargers almost caught a huge break Monday night, as an extra 18 seconds ran off the clock when it should've been stopped after the kickoff that began Steelers' game-winning drive. Chargers could run all 60 minutes off the clock this week and Aaron Rodgers would still outscore them.
Baltimore 9, Sam Francisco 7 -- When Jim Harbaugh was still coaching the 49ers, this game was called the Harbaugh Bowl and Super Bowl XLVII. Now it's called An NFL Game Between Two Shitty Teams.
New England 38, Indianapolis 17 -- Colts angrily file another complaint with the NFL, saying Tom Brady not drinking Coca-Cola or eating Frosted Flakes constitutes an unfair competitive advantage.
N.Y. Giants 27, Philadelphia 0 -- Chip Kelly says he hasn't been contacted about newly vacant USC coaching job. Fine. But why did he ask Lincoln Financial Field stadium crew to play "Tribute to Troy" after every Eagles' first down?
LAST WEEK: 8-6
2015 SEASON: 45-32
2014 AFTER WEEK 5: 46-30