Thursday, September 4, 2014

Week 1 NFL Predictions

All the cool sportswriters do it. So just for kicks, I will attempt to predict this week's final scores.

Green Bay 34, Seattle 24 -- With Green Bay's passing attack, and the league's supposed "point of emphasis" on defensive holding/illegal contact, there will be enough incomplete passes and penalties for this to become the first game in NFL history to end after sunrise the following morning.

New Orleans 36, Atlanta 28 -- Falcons still reeling that their defense finished second to Modern Family for Outstanding Comedy Emmy.

Baltimore 17, Cincinnati 10 -- New drinking game: everybody drinks when TV cameras zoom in on Bengal QB Andy Dalton looking confused after throwing another incomplete pass.

Chicago 35, Buffalo 20 -- The Bills may be inching toward a move to Toronto. Fine. But asking the league to force the Bears to punt on third down is way out of line.

Houston 16, Washington 13 -- The over/under on Robert Griffin III demanding new Redskin head coach Jay Gruden's firing: the 12:14 mark of the third quarter.

Tennessee 20, Kansas City 19 -- The worst part of the iCloud celebrity photo scandal: leaked nude photos of Kansas City coach Andy Reid.

New England 24, Miami 10 -- Adapting to the Logan Mankins trade, Patriots roll out a four-man offensive line and confuse the Dolphins into submission. Belichick's done it again!

Oakland 31, N.Y. Jets 0 -- What better way to get the season rolling than to have Jets fans screaming for the glory days of Mark Sanchez?

Philadelphia 38, Jacksonville 21 --The good news: doctors have officially removed the Jaguars' offense from its medically induced coma.

Pittsburgh 34, Cleveland 7 -- This game is in Pittsburgh, so it won't come into play here, but what I really want to see is what happens when Johnny Manziel gives the finger to the fans in Cleveland's Dawg Pound.

Minnesota 38, St. Louis 10 -- This outcome assumes that some 9-year-old video game whiz uses all the cheat codes for Viking QB Matt Cassel on Madden NFL '15.

San Francisco 35, Dallas 22 -- This year, the Cowboys are changing their ways. They'll make sure they get eliminated from the playoffs before the final game of the season.

Tampa Bay 16, Carolina 10 -- ....That awkward moment when Panthers QB Cam Newton is throwing to guys who were tailgating outside the stadium earlier that morning....

Indianapolis 55, Denver 23 -- In an update to last year's Old Spice commercial, Wes Welker takes  a 40-minute amphetamine bender, and misses the first four games of the season.

N.Y. Giants 30, Detroit 16 -- This game, by itself, could fill a whole segment of ESPN's C'mon Man!

San Diego 27, Arizona 20 -- The second game of the Opening Week Monday Night Doubleheader actually has the potential to be one of the best games of the weekend. Of course, the everyone on the East Coast will miss it because the Giants-Lions game will put them to sleep.

Enjoy this week's games! And Happy Football Season!

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