NFL Week 2 Predictions

OK so I went 6-10 in my picks the first week. That's OK. The picks are for entertainment purposes only. Always read the prospectus before investing.


Here are my picks for Week 2:






Pittsburgh 30, Baltimore 13 -- Just in time for the season to start, Gatorade rolled out some NFL special edition 32oz. bottles featuring cartoonized versions of the Manning brothers, JJ Watt, RG III and Cam Newton. Thankfully it was only those five. Right about now it'd be really awkward to see a cartoonized Ray Rice on a bottle of Fierce Strawberry Gatorade.


Miami 9, Buffalo 6 -- Good matchup. It's Week 2, pretty late in the season for both these teams to be undefeated.


Detroit 31, Carolina 7 -- Once again NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell comes under fire: in a prepared statement, Goodell claims he wasn't aware of the Lions' high-powered offense until it was publicly released this past Monday.
 
Cincinnati 29, Atlanta 27 -- Just imagine how good A.J. Green would be if he had a better quarterback throwing to him.


New Orleans 28, Cleveland 21 -- If Johnny Manziel doesn't get on the field soon he's going to give the Cleveland coaching staff the finger.


Minnesota 36, New England 6 -- Why the hell not? Start the Jimmy Garoppolo talk three years earlier than expected. (Also, I picked the Pats to win last week and they gagged in the second half, so I'm playing the reverse psychology game here.)


Arizona 20, N.Y. Giants 17 -- This is why I go 6-10 every week. Arizona is one of those teams that, just when you think they're on a roll they stumble against a team they should handle. The Giants are the kind of team that just when you think they're done they turn it around. So, of course I pick Arizona to win.


Dallas 21, Tennessee 13 -- Great. Now Jerry Jones is accused of assaulting an exotic dancer, forcing the NFL to refocus its "point of emphasis on illegal contact."


Jacksonville 24, Washington 12 -- Embarrassing moment occurs when referees inform Washington that it can't stop the Jaguars defense with a filibuster.


Seattle 49, San Diego 35 -- The Chargers are the type of schizophrenic team that would run up and down the field against a great defense like Seattle's, and yet blow the game by making Russell Wilson look like Joe Montana.


Tampa Bay 10, St. Louis 9 -- If it were possible for teams to finish a game with negative points, these would be the two teams that could accomplish it.


Denver 26, Kansas City 10 -- That career season Alex Smith had last year? Derek Anderson once had a season like that with Cleveland, too. Just sayin'.


Green Bay 24, N.Y Jets 3 -- Remember the good ol' days, when the NFL's biggest off-the-field issue was Rex Ryan's foot fetish?


Houston 31, Oakland 24 -- Google says GMail "wasn't hacked." Google also says Raiders offense in Week 1 "wasn't hacked."


San Francisco 32, Chicago 20 -- 49ers won't get the kind of help they got last week from Tony "The Human Interception" Romo. San Francisco will, however, be matched up against the Chicago defense, which is like playing offense against a beached whale.


Indianapolis 38, Philadelphia 6 -- Here's the problem for the Eagles: unlike Jacksonville, which went up last week 17-0 in Philly and then mysteriously flew home at halftime, this is a home game for Indianapolis.