Sunday, December 23, 2012

The Krampus List 2012

I try to do some sort of Xmas-list blog here every holiday season, and it's getting pretty late so it's time for me to get going.

This year, I'm giving it a little twist by focusing on the Krampus, a mythical creature who is basicaly the antithesis of Santa Claus, punishing all the naughty children at Christmas by capturing them in his sack and flying back into his lair, presumably for them to serve as a tasty holiday midnight snack for him.

Thus, I now present the people I would like the Krampus to take away this year, in no particular order:

Politicians: We're going over the fiscal cliff in a week, and all anyone wants to do is babble about why the other party sucks on Meet the Press. If our politicians used the time they spend posturing on the Sunday morning political shows to actually talk to each other, they'd have a deal done in 30 minutes. Just shut up and get it done.

Anyone who predicts the end of the world: Another year, another hoax end-of-the-world prediction. This is getting ridiculous. Let's get one thing straight, people: when the end of the world is upon us, either science will have progressed to the point where we can predict it with pinpoint accuracy and we're prepared to jet off to a new planet, or it'll happen when we all least expect it. Stop pretending you have a crystal ball -- nobody does.

NHL players and owners: Every time hockey makes some strides in the right direction, they screw it up again. This past year the Los Angeles Kings came out of nowhere to win the Stanley Cup, and instead of riding the momentum, we get a lockout because millionaires and billionaires can't get together. The only saving grace -- nobody has to watch the Columbus Blue Jackets play.

Lindsay Lohan: Seriously. Enough is enough, Lindsay. Either pull yourself together or go to jail.

Peyton Manning: While I certainly admire his comeback from a career-threatening injury, I was really hoping the Patriots would no longer have to contend with him on the road to the Super Bowl. His MVP-caliber numbers have obviously put an end to those dreams. Could the Patriots sign the Krampus to play defensive end? Because Peyton needs to go away.

Let's hope that the Krampus comes through in the clutch and passes up innocent children this year in favor of these more worthy collections for his sack.

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