Monday, December 24, 2012

On the Controversial Job Of Being Santa Claus

I've been GChatting off and on with my MFA Little Sister Erin all day, and the topic of Santa Claus came up. Here's a guy who:

* Drives a sleigh at ridiculously unsafe speeds in order to get around the world in one night.
* Crash-lands on people's roofs with large, bulky reindeer in tow.
* Breaks into people's houses in the middle of the night.
* Causes fire hazards by damaging chimneys.
* Kisses mommies, many of whom are married.
* Makes a mess at certain households by tossing around lumps of coal.
* Eats holiday goodies that people have spent good money on.
* Has the audacity to tell some parents and children that, no, you're not getting anything this year.

It takes a lot of balls to do this. This has caused me to reevaluate my thoughts on him. I wonder if Santa Claus is trained in the martial arts. Of if he packs heat. Somebody has to get pissed at him breaking into their house, particularly if he's putting the moves on their sweethearts.

Sure, he only works one night a year. But let's face it, it's a 24-hour night. And since he manages a bunch of elves, I strongly suspect Santa's a salaried empoyee, so it's not like he gets OT or night differential for working a ballbuster of a shift.

Also, regardless of how attractive the women he's kissing are, it's risky business putting the moves on ladies who are already spoken for. Not to mention that he, too, is supposedly involed with someone. Do Mrs. Claus and Santa have an open relationship? Maybe that's none of my business, but it's a question thatg screams to be answered.

Santa must have to spend an arm and a leg on insurance. There's so much liability. He probably pays a much higher premium given the inherent risk of the job and the fact thatg hs sleigh is by all accounts a very experimental mode of transportation.

I don't know how Santa is compensated, but I think no amount of money is worth doing this job.


1 comment:

  1. Agreed! Tough job and all you get is cookies .Which brings up a new question. Does Santa use our bathrooms when he is delivering presents? And does he flush? BEcause wouldn't the flushing wake us up?